The first thing you must remember is not to panic. Breathe. Yes, you are now cut off from your friends and loved ones, maybe forever, and you’re surrounded by about a hundred thousand ears of corn, all of whom are equally indifferent to your suffering. That’s the reality of the situation. But that’s no reason to panic. Breathe.
We know, we know, it wasn’t even your idea to come here tonight. It was Becky’s, that girl in your social circle that you don’t even like that much. Stupid Becky. Thanks to Becky, you and your friends came here and somehow managed to get separated in the darkness. So now you’re all alone in the labyrinth of America’s proudest produce. Lost in the maize maze. Things are looking bleak. Stupid Becky.
But before you get too wrapped up in anger over the people or reasons that brought you to your present condition, listen to tip number two: focus on the present. Fixating on the past is a death sentence. You see that path in front of you? That’s all you need to worry about. Focus on the path, focus on the various forks in the road. Try to remember what looks familiar and what looks new. Avoid the familiar … and avoid the past. Focus on the present.
Third tip: respect the corn. A lot of people, when lost for a long enough time in a corn maze, tend to attempt a blitzkrieg-style of escape by simply rampaging through the rows of corn stalks until they reach freedom. Do not do this. For one reason, it’s painful—you will be bruised and bushwacked before you make it past your second row of corn. And for two, you will anger the corn. Oh sure, laugh at us all you want, but we’re telling you, you won’t be laughing when you have scabbed knees, bruised elbows, and the faint suspicion that a thousand different voices are whispering into the night: “You’ll never get out of here. Never …” Stay on the path, and respect the corn.
Fourth tip, stop screaming. You have been screaming now for over twenty minutes. You know why no one has come to help? Because the other maze enthusiasts hear your blood curdling pleas for aid and figure they’re just gonna steer clear of the deranged person up ahead. So stop screaming. Adding to this tip, if you do manage to come into contact with another person, it is best not to grab them and shake their shoulders while shouting “Dear God, how do I get out of this nightmare!” Bad form, old chap. Bad form indeed.
Fifth tip, be confident. Much like the way a cute guy responds well to a confident girl, a corn maze will respond better to you if you act like you’ve been here before. Sing a little song to yourself if it helps. “Budump, budump, budump, I’m not lost, no not at all. I love corn and I’m not lost. Budump, budump, budump. I eat corn like you for breakfast.”
And finally, the sixth and final tip on how to survive when you’re lost in a corn maze is … try to have fun!!! Honestly, being lost in a corn maze is only terrifying if you allow it be. Try to enjoy yourself. You’re certainly not going to go hungry. Let yourself be wrapped up in the spookiness of the season. Let your imagination run away with you. What are those noises up ahead? Maybe it’s a ghost, a vampire, or even a zombie! Who knows?! What we do know is that part of the fun of a corn maze isn’t just getting lost in a bunch of corn,but getting lost in the holiday of fear. So get excited, get scared, scream if you must (just not constantly) and have fun!