<\/p>\n
This post was originally published in January 2016<\/em><\/p>\n Remember Voldemort? That guy who got his butt kicked by a baby and was ultimately killed by his own deflected curse? Yeah. He kind of sucks, doesn’t he? But c’mon\u2014everyone<\/em> has bad days. We think it’s only fair to give old Voldy another shot at being the most villainous villain to ever villain, which is why we’re inserting him into other novels. You know, just to see how it pans out.<\/p>\n Pride and Prejudice<\/em> by Jane Austen<\/strong><\/p>\n Their eyes instantly met, and the cheeks of each were overspread with the deepest blush. He absolutely started, and for a moment seemed immoveable from surprise; but shortly thereafter, Elizabeth realized wasn’t surprise. Darcy had been Stunned. The Death Eaters had gotten to him. Scrimgeour was dead. They were coming.<\/p>\n 1984<\/em> by George Orwell<\/strong><\/p>\n O’Brien nodded his head with slow approval. “He who controls the past controls the future. He who controls the present controls the past. Voldemort is my past, present, and future, Winston.”<\/p>\n A Series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning<\/em> by Lemony Snicket<\/strong><\/p>\n At this point in the story, I feel obliged to interrupt and give you one last warning. As I said at the very beginning, the book you are holding in your hands does not have a happy ending. It may appear now that Wormtail will go to jail and that Harry Potter will live happily ever after with Sirius Black but it is not so. If you like, you may shut the book this instant and not read the unhappy ending that is to follow. You may spend the rest of your life believing that Harry triumphed over Voldemort and lived the rest of his life in the house at Grimmauld Place, but that is not how the story goes.<\/p>\n The Lord of the Rings<\/strong> \u00a0<\/em>by J.R.R. Tolkien<\/strong><\/p>\n The Eye was rimmed with fire, but was itself glazed, yellow as a cat’s, watchful and intent, and the black slit of its pupil opened on a pit, a window into nothing. There was also a nose, or at least a place where a nose should be. It looked a bit like a snake, but if a snake were about to sneeze. It’s kind of hard to describe, actually.<\/p>\n Beowulf<\/strong><\/em><\/p>\n Thus said Voldemort, the menace underwater: The Great Gatsby<\/strong><\/em> by F. Scott Fitzgerald<\/strong><\/p>\n And as I sat there brooding on the old, unknown world, I thought of Gatsby’s wonder when he first picked out the green light at the end of Daisy’s dock. He had no way of knowing that it wasn’t the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us\u2014it was a glittering green skull. The Dark Mark. Daisy was gone; the Death Eaters had killed again. Everyone thought it was George Wilson who had killed Gatsby, but I knew the truth. It wasn’t George Wilson. It was a crack like a whip in the still night air, it was a high voice that seemed to come from the darkness itself, it was a flash of green light and then\u2014<\/p>\n “Avada Kedavra<\/i>, old sport.”<\/p>\n Romeo and Juliet<\/strong><\/em> by Shakespeare<\/strong><\/p>\n Four Houses, all alike in dignity * I want to apologize for the lack of iambic pentameter\/any semblance of an attempt to stylize it like so. After giving it the old college try for all of five minutes, I was able to conclude that Shakespeare was an utter maniac who wasn’t spending all his time a) binge-watching \u00a0Making a Murderer<\/em> on Netflix, or b) trying to shoehorn the word “Hogwarts” into his sonnets.<\/p>\n Which was his loss, really.<\/p>\n Our AP Lit professors would be SO impressed (and\/or horrified) right now. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" This post was originally published in January 2016 Remember Voldemort? That guy who got his butt kicked by a baby and was ultimately killed by his own deflected curse? Yeah. He kind of sucks, doesn’t continue reading<\/span>
\n“Beowulf\u2014come to die\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6”
\n“First,” said Beowulf, “let us settle one matter more.
\nWhy pilfer the arm of Grendel, o foul one?
\nWhat significance does it bear for you?”
\n“What?” said Voldemort. “Whose arm? I thought
\nThis was the Hand of Glory. You know\u2014
\nThe candle thing. Gives light only the holder.
\nDraco Malfoy had one, I thought it was cool.
\nThis isn’t it?”
\n“No,” said Beowulf.
\n“Oh,” said Voldemort. “Whoops.”<\/p>\n
\nIn fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene
\nFrom ancient grudge break to new mutiny
\nWhere Muggle blood makes pureblood hands unclean.
\nFrom forth the fatal loins of the stag and doe
\nA star-cross’d wizard must forfeit life;
\nWhose misadventur’d piteous overthrow
\nDoth with his death bury the Dark Lord’s strife.
\nThe protective shield of a mother’s love
\nAnd the continuance of the Dark Lord’s rage,
\nWhich, but the Chosen One’s end, naught could remove,
\nIs now the seven books’ traffic of our stage\u2014
\nThe which, if you with patient ears attend,
\nWhat here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend. *<\/p>\n