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It is a truth universally acknowledged that a first date must be a complete catastrophe for everyone involved. If you’re lucky, it will only be a minor catastrophe, and barely anyone will wind up disgracing the family name. But what if I told you\u2014just stay with me on this\u2014that there was a way to neutralize the risk and walk away with a perfectly adequate (dare I say successful) first date under your linen brocade belt?<\/p>\n
How, you ask? Why, by turning to the expert herself: Jane Austen.<\/p>\n
Q. How should I prepare for a first date?
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Be sure to clean out your horse-drawn carriage. Use the good horses.<\/p>\n
Stealthily inquire about his parentage. Someone in the neighborhood should know.<\/p>\n
Practice bowing. You’re shooting for a shallow bow of acknowledgment here\u2014nothing too aggressive. And God forbid you kiss her dainty gloved hand right off the bat like some kind of debaucherous sex hound.<\/p>\n
Q. What should I wear?
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Put on your finest, tightest, most perfectly tailored knee-length breeches, if you’re one of the menfolk. I hope you’ve been working on those sideburns, because they could make or break the date. Show some calf.<\/p>\n
Ladies\u2014your best crinolines, corset, muslin chemise, petticoat, layered skirt, gloves, parasol, bonnet, handbag, and handkerchief will do.<\/p>\n
Q. What are some fun first date ideas?
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Go to a country ball and scoff at everything.<\/p>\n
Play whist.<\/p>\n
Put on an amateur play dealing with themes of adultery that will foreshadow your illicit affair.<\/p>\n
Take a leisurely afternoon promenade. With chaperones, of course.<\/p>\n
Break your ankle (shout out to you, Meg March<\/a>).<\/p>\n Glance shyly at each other while someone is playing the pianoforte.<\/p>\n Q. How do I even know if I’m on a date? Q. But what if\u2014 Q. What should I do once I’m actually on the date? Only dance with her twice. Any less and your shameful lack of interest will be noted by all. Any more and you’ll soil her virtue.<\/p>\n Faint dead away due to your delicate constitution. Require the smelling salts.<\/p>\n Avoid conducting yourself in a manner that might be considered “disagreeable.”<\/p>\n If he seems like a giant douchecanoe, give him seven more chances.<\/p>\n Q. What are some good topics of conversation? Make an abrupt proposal.<\/p>\n Tell her you loathe small talk and all who engage in it.<\/p>\n Talk about monogamy and how great it is.<\/p>\n Query about his modest inheritance.<\/p>\n Query about her dowry.<\/p>\n Have a misunderstanding.<\/p>\n Ask her to marry you because her sister was already taken and you’re pretty much the best she can do.<\/p>\n Q. Should we kiss good night? Q. How long should I wait before contacting her again? Get it? Got it? GOOD. Now \u00a0put on those breeches, pack up your smelling salts, and GO ACE THAT FIRST DATE. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It is a truth universally acknowledged that a first date must be a complete catastrophe for everyone involved. If you’re lucky, it will only be a minor catastrophe, and barely anyone will wind up disgracing continue reading<\/span>
\n<\/b>A. \u00a0<\/b>You are.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. \u00a0<\/b>TRUST ME.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A.<\/b> Insult her mother.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Don’t be stingy with the compliments. Tell her she’s tolerable, but not handsome enough to tempt you.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Only if you want to skip the courtship ritual, get married, and be with child right then and there, you wretched, godless degenerate.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>A week, at least. If you’re really hardcore, a month. Or three. Leave town. Never return.<\/p>\n