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Everything I know about dating I’ve learned from superhero movies. When two people like each other very much, they go out on a date\u2014and then one gets kidnapped by the bad guys, or thrown off a bridge, or shot in the spine with a deflected bullet <\/a>or something like that.<\/p>\n But if there’s anything I’ve learned about dating specifically<\/i> from patriotic beefcake Steve Rogers, also known as Captain America, well, it’s this:<\/p>\n Q. So I have a crush. How can I get them to notice me? Are they watching? Perfect. Jump on a live grenade.<\/p>\n Talk about freedom a lot. But like, you know, in a sexy way.<\/a><\/p>\n Q. What should I wear to impress them? A checkered shirt. High-waisted, pleat-front trousers. A brown leather jacket with epaulettes, like somebody’s grandfather.<\/p>\n Khaki pants and a T-shirt. You know, for working out<\/a>.<\/p>\n I think these are the only outfits that exist.<\/p>\n Q. Flirting. How do I do it? Dominate the other person in a foot-race that neither of you actually declared. (“ON YOUR LEFT.”)<\/a><\/p>\n Admit that you have no idea how to talk to a member of the opposite sex<\/a>\u2014that this is, in fact, the longest conversation you’ve ever had with one. This will either come across as really endearing or just pathetic. Go big or go home.<\/p>\n Help them commandeer a plane for an illegal rescue mission behind enemy lines in the most heavily fortified territory in all of Europe. Maybe throw a wink somewhere in there, I don’t know.<\/p>\n Q. How can I tell if they like me? Q. I think they might actually be dating someone. How do I find out for sure? Q. I think I’m ready. How should I ask them out on a date? While you are literally in the process of sacrificing yourself for the greater good of all mankind, make plans to go dancing. Plans you won’t be able to keep. Plans that will go up in smoke as you nose-dive a Nazi aircraft into the ocean and presumably shuffle off this mortal coil.<\/p>\n Spend the next 70 years cryogenically frozen in ice while everyone you know and love gets old, dies, or is forced to become a brainwashed assassin.<\/p>\n Q. Wait, what about the date? WELP,after reading this., \u00a0<\/em>dating should be a piece of cake. Got any questions? This pic of Chris Evans’ butt <\/a>has the answers. \u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Everything I know about dating I’ve learned from superhero movies. When two people like each other very much, they go out on a date\u2014and then one gets kidnapped by the bad guys, or thrown off continue reading<\/span>
\n<\/b>A.<\/b> Become a genetically modified super-soldier with the butt of the gods.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Skin-tight red, white, and blue spandex for maximum butt definition. Plus a mask that emphasizes your criminally underrated jawline.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Fight Hitler.<\/a><\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Kiss someone else and see if they shoot your Vibranium shield four times with a gun. That should do it.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Just ask them! But not in a way that could be misconstrued as straightforward or logical. That’s for amateurs. Dance around the topic. Use “fondue” as a euphemism for sex.<\/a> Jump out of the plane without waiting for a response.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>Tell them they were meant for more than this.<\/p>\n
\n<\/b>A. <\/b>You’re not going on a date. The date is a lie. Everything is a lie is this cruel, unfeeling world. At least you have the greatest butt in all the lands, right? But God, at what cost?<\/p>\n