{"id":1389654,"date":"2016-05-13T09:33:21","date_gmt":"2016-05-13T13:33:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/community.sparknotes.com\/?p=1389654"},"modified":"2016-05-13T09:33:21","modified_gmt":"2016-05-13T13:33:21","slug":"breaking-these-are-the-new-american-wizarding-houses-and-you-cant-tell-me-otherwise","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/blog\/breaking-these-are-the-new-american-wizarding-houses-and-you-cant-tell-me-otherwise\/","title":{"rendered":"BREAKING: These Are the New American Wizarding Houses and You Can’t Tell Me Otherwise"},"content":{"rendered":"

If you’re anything like me, then I’m sorry about that for a variety of reasons. But I’m not sorry if you heard about the apparent leaked wizarding houses of the American school Ilvermorny<\/a> and your first thought was, “Oh, jeez,” because that was my reaction also. We’re in this together, you and I. We are two peas in a pod of incredulity.<\/p>\n

\"\"Not only do the purported houses of Wampus, Thunderbird, Pukwudgie, and Horned Serpent derive their significance from creatures of actual Native American folklore (J.K. Rowling’s been in a lot of hot water over this kind of thing before, so that’s a big old yikes), but they are also ROBBING me of the hilarious gibberish I was expecting and which frankly I feel entitled to. These names are just not silly enough. Where is my Hufflepuff? My Slytherin? I want my juggernaut of bonkers syllables, dammit! I want to utter words of nonsense in reverent tones as I categorize myself accordingly! Sure, there’s Pukwudgie. I’ll grant you that. But what if I’m a Thunderbird? What am I supposed to do with that?<\/p>\n

In the spirit of this, I’m making up my own American wizarding houses. I think you’ll find that these are all perfectly plausible. Tag yourself, I’m Splurknog.<\/p>\n

House:<\/b> Splurknog
\nHouse colors:<\/b> Magenta and silver
\nGhost: <\/b>Ben Franklin. I think he was probably a wizard who saw value in trying to pass off his magical findings as Muggle “innovations.” What I’m saying here is that electricity is some straight-up wizard nonsense, if not outright dark magic, and I don’t understand any of it. I also don’t get how bifocals work.
\nHouse values: <\/b>Trickery and deceit.
\nCommon room: <\/b>It’s in a hidden room behind a bookcase in the library. Selecting the correct book (it varies day by day) will prompt the room’s appearance.
\nAnimal:<\/b> The North American raccoon.<\/p>\n

House:<\/b> Fuddy Dudders
\nHouse colors:<\/b> Lime green and fulvous
\nGhost: <\/b>Typhoid Mary. Hapless baker by day, wizard assassin by night.
\nHouse values:<\/b> The duality of man.
\nCommon room: <\/b>The entrance is invisible, and can only be found by those who already know where it is.
\nAnimal:<\/b> The ground squirrel.<\/p>\n

House:<\/b> Puckle
\nHouse colors:<\/b> Sepia tone
\nGhost: <\/b>His name is Jeff, and he is a mystery.
\nHouse values:<\/b> General optimism.
\nCommon room:<\/b> It’s located in the school’s newly renovated underground swamp dungeon.
\nAnimal: <\/b>Bigfoot.<\/p>\n

House:<\/b> Wiffpot
\nHouse colors: <\/b>Periwinkle and denim
\nGhost: <\/b>He is half-troll, and they call him the Sun-born Slayer.
\nHouse values:<\/b> Existential chaos
\nCommon room:<\/b> It’s located in one of the tallest towers and has a lovely view of the school’s haunted pet cemetery. A password is required to enter. However, the password is usually just whatever the plural form of “no-maj” is. Only students who have figured out that<\/i> catastrophe of grammar are considered worthy enough to enter. Forget Muggleborns and pure-bloods and half-bloods; this<\/i> is how the House of Wiffpof ensures that they are breeding only the strongest and noblest bloodline.
\nAnimal: <\/b>The seagull.<\/p>\n

[Via iO9<\/a>.]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

If you’re anything like me, then I’m sorry about that for a variety of reasons. But I’m not sorry if you heard about the apparent leaked wizarding houses of the American school Ilvermorny and your continue reading<\/span>\n <\/path>\n <\/svg><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[10184,32,3345,22152,22151],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1389654"}],"collection":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1389654"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1389654\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1389654"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1389654"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1389654"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}