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With graduation comes \u00a0commencement speeches, and with commencement speeches comes a 3-hour monologue about the misery awaiting you in the real world, delivered by your profusely sweaty principal. Thrilling, yes? No. Here are some \u00a0fresher choices for your consideration:<\/p>\n
10. Maleficent<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Killer cheeckbones, fierce, fashionable, elegant, great speaking voice, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> Actual killer, mistress of all evil, fictional, able to turn into a fire-breathing dragon, tends to place malevolent curses on young women<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “Wonderful that you all invited me here today, because if you \u00a0hadn’t<\/em>, I would have been forced to…er, be very happy for you.”<\/p>\n 9. \u00a0Abby Wambach<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> \u00a0FIFA Women’s World Cup Champion, two-time Olympic Gold medalist, has already inspired millions of college-aged girls, owns cute English bulldog named Kingston, has golden card from Chipotle entitling her to one free burrito per day for life<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> Competitive edge may lead her to slide-tackle other speakers<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “Congratulations on four grueling years. Now let’s all go celebrate with a few quick sprints around the stadium. HUSTLE HUSTLE HUSTLE”<\/p>\n 8. \u00a0J.K. Rowling<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Brain full of fascinating and impossible ideas, pretty good with words I guess, may possibly give us all BA’s in the Wizarding Arts if we ask nicely<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> High possibility that she will kill off some of our favorite graduates<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “I can neither confirm nor deny the names of the four American wizarding schools<\/a>. Please stop interrupting my speech.”<\/p>\n 7. \u00a0Marie Curie<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> One of the baddest ladies in history, discovered radium and polonium, first woman to win a Nobel Prize. Twice.<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> Radioactive<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “Pardon me, sir, would you hold this Nobel while I finish my speech? And this other Nobel? And these glowing test tubes? Merci.”<\/p>\n 6. Ruth Bader Ginsberg<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Lots of practice writing airtight speeches as second female supreme justice and leading litigator for women’s rights, stunningly \u00a0high work ethic, kicks ass while wearing fishnet gloves<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> At 5’1″ she may have trouble reaching the microphone<\/p>\n Speech highlight:<\/em> “Though members of the court may opine that ramen is not a whole meal, this justice would argue that anyone– man, woman, child, of any creed or color– may for themselves decide what comprises nutrition, and is free to make choices correspondingly. Go forth. Microwave your noodles. The court rests.”<\/p>\n 5.Malala Yousafzai<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Activist for women’s education who inspired an international movement, passionate and articulate writer, youngest Nobel laureate in history<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> At 18, she may be younger than some \u00a0of the graduates. Kinda intimidating.<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> \u00a0[With a flash, Malala turns \u00a0into a phoenix and rises, singing, above the crowd to wild applause]<\/p>\n 4. Jon Stewart<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Hilarious, sharp, able to be both extremely funny and heart-wrenchingly sincere within a single paragraph<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> Unrecognizable with his new white hair and beard<\/a><\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “And what about those incoming \u00a0freshmen<\/em>? Have you seen them? The last time I saw someone so clueless and prone to noisy self-destruction, we nominated them as the Republican presidential candidate.”<\/p>\n 3. \u00a0Joan of Arc<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Inspired a French army to victory with her speechifying and cleverness, is literally a saint<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> Hears voices, is extremely dead<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “Go forth, young graduates, and conquer! Go forth! GO FORTH NOW, CHARGE!!!”<\/p>\n 2. \u00a0Katniss Everdeen<\/strong><\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Alarmingly capable, probably future leader of the free world<\/p>\n Cons:<\/em> More an action girl than a speech-giver<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> “Listen, I’m not great with people. I only inspired the masses of my society to uprise. But I can try to dig up a few pieces of wisdom.”<\/p>\n Pros:<\/em> Greatest living human<\/p>\n Cons: \u00a0<\/em>What?<\/p>\n Speech Highlight:<\/em> \u00a0Everyone attendant gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" With graduation comes \u00a0commencement speeches, and with commencement speeches comes a 3-hour monologue about the misery awaiting you in the real world, delivered by your profusely sweaty principal. Thrilling, yes? No. Here are some \u00a0fresher continue reading<\/span>\n
![white hair and beard<\/a><\/p>\nSpeech Highlight:<\/em> “And what about those incoming \u00a0freshmen<\/em>? Have you seen them? The last time I saw someone so clueless and prone to noisy self-destruction, we nominated them as the Republican presidential candidate.”<\/p>\n3. \u00a0Joan of Arc<\/strong><\/p>\nPros:<\/em> Inspired a French army to victory with her speechifying and cleverness, is literally a saint<\/p>\nCons:<\/em> Hears voices, is extremely dead<\/p>\nSpeech Highlight:<\/em> “Go forth, young graduates, and conquer! Go forth! GO FORTH NOW, CHARGE!!!”<\/p>\n2. \u00a0Katniss Everdeen<\/strong><\/p>\nPros:<\/em> Alarmingly capable, probably future leader of the free world<\/p>\nCons:<\/em> More an action girl than a speech-giver<\/p>\nSpeech Highlight:<\/em> “Listen, I’m not great with people. I only inspired the masses of my society to uprise. But I can try to dig up a few pieces of wisdom.”<\/p>\n\nBeyonc\u00e9<\/strong><\/li>\n<\/ol>\nPros:<\/em> Greatest living human<\/p>\nCons: \u00a0<\/em>What?<\/p>\nSpeech Highlight:<\/em> \u00a0Everyone attendant gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay, gonna slay<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"With graduation comes \u00a0commencement speeches, and with commencement speeches comes a 3-hour monologue about the misery awaiting you in the real world, delivered by your profusely sweaty principal. Thrilling, yes? No. Here are some \u00a0fresher continue reading<\/span>](\"http:\/\/www.wired.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/12\/JonStewart.jpg\"){kind=link}