{"id":1391688,"date":"2016-07-20T13:00:38","date_gmt":"2016-07-20T17:00:38","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/community.sparknotes.com\/?p=1391688"},"modified":"2016-07-20T11:09:16","modified_gmt":"2016-07-20T15:09:16","slug":"10-things-you-can-bet-i-would-do-with-a-wand-if-i-suddenly-had-one","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/blog\/10-things-you-can-bet-i-would-do-with-a-wand-if-i-suddenly-had-one\/","title":{"rendered":"10 Things You Can Bet I Would Do With a Wand If I Suddenly Had One"},"content":{"rendered":"

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The more I re-read Harry Potter<\/em>, the more I am given to understand that I was supposed to be a wizard. Magic is all about sporting questionable outfits and shouting nonsense in public, and I already do both of those things. Let’s just be real: if you were to stick a magic wand in my hand and tell me to make with the sorcery, I’d immediately do every single one of these things with nary a follow-up question because I would know that this is what was always meant to be:<\/p>\n

1. \u00a0I would drop my keys into a sewer grate just to \u00a0Accio<\/em> them back out again.<\/strong> I’ve always secretly been horrified that this will happen to me, and now that I have a workable solution, I’m going to exorcise the fear impulse in my brain and get it over with already.<\/p>\n

2. \u00a0Summon things, like snacks.<\/strong> I don’t know what else. Right now I’m just thinking of snacks.<\/p>\n

3. \u00a0On that note, cook.<\/strong> I am never going to learn to adequately prepare lasagna without ruining it, and that’s just the reality we’re living in.<\/p>\n

4. I would Expecto Patronum<\/em> away all my anxieties and inner demons.<\/strong><\/p>\n

5. \u00a0I would ask someone to punch me in the face so that I could heal myself with Episkey<\/em>.<\/strong> No one has ever punched me in the face before, probably because I’m obnoxious but I always stop just short of reaping actual consequences for my actions, and I just feel like this would be the time to try it out.<\/p>\n

6. \u00a0Clean everything that I own with Scourgify<\/em>.<\/strong> Particularly the dusty, overstocked, and largely abandoned industrial warehouse that is my bedroom, because there are things in my closet that I haven’t seen in four years.<\/p>\n

7. \u00a0Be invisible so I can see what my dog does when I’m not home.<\/strong> What is she even like when she’s not sniffing people’s butts with a vigor heretofore unseen?<\/p>\n

8. \u00a0I would dye my hair. Immediately.<\/strong> I see all the roving youths with their incandescent, brightly colored \u00a0coifs, and I want in. The problem: I spent all of high school and most of college dyeing my hair various hues of red. I know the drill. It is messy if you’re doing it by yourself\u2014expensive if you’re not. I don’t have the time or the patience or frankly the legal tender \u00a0to revert to the old ways. But if I could have a head of pink with just a wave of my wand? Yes. A thousand times yes. I want to look like both a troll doll and Frenchy from Grease<\/i>, in equal measure.<\/p>\n

9. \u00a0Free the spider that’s been trapped in my kitchen under a Tupperware container for the past three days.<\/strong> I would Wingardium Leviosa<\/em> it out of my house and out of my life and possibly out of this planet.<\/p>\n

10. \u00a0I’d Reparo<\/em> the hell out of my dumb idiot printer.<\/strong> I can’t tell you how many essays I’ve had to panic-print at the school library five minutes before class because my \u00a0printer chose that moment to say “screw this, I’m out.” Alternate solutions: I could learn to manage my time more effectively, or I could simply buy a new printer. But I’m not going to do either of those things. I am who I am, which is a trash person. Besides, this printer and I are engaged in a deathless war, and I won’t be the one to back down first. I can’t.<\/p>\n