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Previously in Blogging \u00a0The Scarlet Letter<\/em><\/a>, Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote a really long introduction\u2014the equivalent to \u00a0the Hogwarts profs’ obstacles in \u00a0Sorcerer’s Stone<\/em>. Did he even \u00a0want us \u00a0to read this book?<\/strong><\/p>\n Chapter 1: The Prison Door<\/strong><\/p>\n If you’re wondering what to put down for “setting” on your quiz, try \u00a0“my post-apocalyptic nightmare:”<\/p>\n A throng of bearded men, in sad-colored garments and gray, steeple-crowned hats, intermixed with women, some wearing hoods, and others bareheaded, was assembled in front of a wooden edifice, the door of which was heavily timbered with oak, and studded with iron spikes.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n Except we’re actually in front of a prison in \u00a0Boston during the 1600s, so the major themes to keep in mind are: male supremacy, waistcoats, stale bread.<\/p>\n For your convenience, here is the rest of the first chapter paraphrased:<\/p>\n Nathaniel 2.0: \u00a0<\/strong>The prison before us is \u00a0outdated, weather-stained, and fugly. \u00a0Coincidentally, these are the characteristics of \u00a0Puritan society. There is also \u00a0a beautiful and resilient \u00a0rose bush growing next to this \u00a0prison (a.k.a. Puritan society). Allow me to present the story of Hester Prynne, the rose bush of Puritan society. To clarify, Hester Prynne is the rose bush in this particular comparison, in which her character outlasts and overcomes the moral constraints \u00a0of a prison-like Puritan existence. That was my metaphor, thank you.<\/p>\n Chapter 2: The Market-Place<\/strong><\/p>\n On a bright \u00a0summer day a large \u00a0group of people are \u00a0gathered in front of the actual prison that served as a metaphorical prison in \u00a0the previous chapter.<\/p>\n Everyone seems to have \u00a0gotten the day \u00a0off to watch Hester Prynne, condemned \u00a0adulteress, make an appearance for the first time since she went to jail. School is even \u00a0cancelled. Does this really take precedence over basic arithmetic? I used to \u00a0think most things \u00a0were more important than \u00a0basic arithmetic when it came \u00a0to life skills, and that was the biggest mistake of my life \u00a0because now it takes me an average of eleven \u00a0minutes to calculate a tip.<\/p>\n A swarm of \u00a0Mrs. Bennett\/Miss Stephanie Crawford hybrids are naturally gossiping about the situation. \u00a0I’m \u00a0only a few paragraphs in but already up to my \u00a0eyeballs \u00a0in creative ways to call \u00a0Hester a “public ledger,” if you will. So \u00a0far:<\/p>\n That last one is on page 49 if you think I’m kidding. \u00a0They go on chatting until someone in the crowd tells them \u00a0to kindly shut up (#bless). \u00a0The prison doors open and Hester walks out carrying a \u00a0three-month-old \u00a0baby:<\/p>\n With a burning blush, and yet a haughty smile, and a glance that would not be abashed, [she] looked around at her townspeople and neighbours.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n I picture it more like a combo of \u00a0<\/em>this<\/a> and \u00a0<\/em>this<\/a> \u00a0in my head, which \u00a0Nathaniel 2.0 does nothing to discredit \u00a0by \u00a0describing her all in one paragraph as \u00a0“elegant,” “beautiful,” “glossy,” “impressive,” “lady-like,” “delicate,” “evanescent,” “graceful,” and, ironically, “indescribable.”<\/p>\n Someone with the unfortunate title of \u00a0“Town Beadle” escorts \u00a0Hester to a scaffold in the marketplace \u00a0where she is \u00a0to \u00a0stand with her baby until \u00a0one o’clock, which seems arbitrarily \u00a0specific. The next \u00a0paragraph is dedicated to the \u00a0history of \u00a0scaffolds.<\/p>\n Scaffolds aside, can I just point out that not one of these so-called gossips \u00a0has commented on the baby yet? Is that weird to you?<\/p>\n Hester relives her \u00a0memories from England on the scaffold. I think. I don’t know for sure. There are a lot of run-ons in here. What I do know for sure is that the \u00a0old man \u00a0she married in England was supposed to join her in the colonies after tying up loose ends \u00a0with his business, but never did. She hasn’t heard from him in \u00a0two years.<\/p>\n Chapter 3: The Recognition<\/strong><\/p>\n Hester scans the crowd and SWEET NIBLETS, there is her creepy old husband. He is in disguise, but she recognizes him by two things: a \u00a0shoulder deformity and the way he makes her skin crawl. I don’t know much about the institution of \u00a0marriage, but “doesn’t \u00a0make \u00a0my skin crawl” is \u00a0pretty high up there \u00a0on \u00a0my baseline \u00a0checklist. Now I’m thinking that if even if she did<\/em> get any correspondence \u00a0from him, she probably \u00a0set it \u00a0aflame \u00a0in a \u00a0chamber pot.<\/p>\n Guys, the \u00a0description of this man \u00a0is single \u00a0the \u00a0reason I never watched When a Stranger Calls<\/em>:<\/p>\n At his arrival in the market-place, and some time before she saw him, the stranger had bent his eyes on Hester Prynne […] \u00a0A writhing horror twisted itself across his features, like a snake gliding swiftly over them, and making one little pause, with all its wreathed intervolutions in open sight […] When he found the eyes of Hester Prynne fastened on his own, and saw that she appeared to recognize him, he slowly and calmly raised his finger, made a \u00a0gesture with it in the air, and laid it on his lips.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n Oh no. No thanks. Nope.<\/p>\n He is a very learned man\u2014super smart, \u00a0trained in medicine, fluent \u00a0in Parseltongue by the looks of it. He’s \u00a0being held for ransom by Native Americans who have had him in custody \u00a0since he \u00a0got to the colonies, \u00a0so at least someone is keeping geo-tabs on him for the moment.<\/p>\n To bring some clarity to the situation\u2014the situation being his long-lost wife is on a scaffold holding a baby that is def not his\u2014he asks the guy \u00a0next to him who the father is. He does this very calmly, like some kind of CSI suspect.<\/p>\n Man in crowd #1: <\/strong>No one knows who the father is. Hester and creepy husband make prolonged and uncomfortable eye contact (she recognizes him, hence the title of this chapter), which breaks when he holds a finger to his lips as if to silence \u00a0her. \u00a0*screenshots \u00a0for future reference when \u00a0asked to explain the workings of patriarchal oppression in today’s society*<\/p>\n Meanwhile, three important men \u00a0tootle out onto a nearby balcony to deliver a sermon \u00a0on \u00a0the hot topic of the day. We have \u00a0John Wilson, oldest minister in Boston, Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, local preacher who is \u00a0also a babe, and Governor Bellingham<\/a>, \u00a0whose purpose is unclear.<\/p>\n Wilson asks \u00a0Dimmesdale to ask Hester who the father is, and to also inform \u00a0her of the speed \u00a0at which her soul is hurtling towards purgatory. This reminds me of the time in first grade when I asked my friend to ask her friend to ask this kid Vincent if he would stop following me around at recess.<\/p>\n Dimmesdale hesitates, which strikes me as suspicious \u00a0because I thought a case of \u00a0adultery was icing on the cake \u00a0as far as Puritan sermon \u00a0topics go. Nathaniel’s description of \u00a0Dimmesdale \u00a0reminds me of the Inspector from the introduction (both solid 10\/10s):<\/p>\n […] \u00a0he trode in the shadowy by-paths, and thus kept himself simple and child-like; coming forth, when occasion was, with a freshness, and fragrance, and dewy purity of thought, which, as many people said, affected them like the speech of an angel.<\/em><\/span><\/p>\n He reluctantly agrees:<\/p>\n Dimmesdale:<\/strong> \u00a0I beg you, Hester: free the father of this child from the bonds of guilt. Believe me, this guy would \u00a0want you to \u00a0give his name up. \u00a0He really would. Trust me. I know this in my heart, 100%. I have no idea who he is, but I \u00a0know \u00a0he would want you to. I don’t know how I know, but I know I know. You know?<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.sparknotes.com\/content\/sparklife\/sparktalk\/scarletletter_4.jpg\")
\nYoutube \/ Lionsgate<\/em><\/small><\/p>\n\n
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\nMe \u00a0testing the air for \u00a0foreshadowing. (Credit: Youtube \/ Comedy Central)<\/em><\/small><\/p>\n![\"\"](\"http:\/\/img.sparknotes.com\/content\/sparklife\/sparktalk\/scarletletter_8.jpg\")
Tfw you’re sailing far, far away from your creepy husband (Youtube \/ Paramount)<\/small><\/em><\/p>\n
\nMan in crowd #2:<\/strong> \u00a0YOU KNOW WHAT, IT’S TOO BAD HER \u00a0BRITISH HUSBAND ISN’T \u00a0HERE. HE’D GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT. IF ONLY HE WERE HERE IN THIS CROWD. STANDING RIGHT NEXT TO ME, FOR EXAMPLE.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/i.imgflip.com\/18ecnk.gif\" "\\"made")
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\nYoutube \/ Warner Bros.<\/em><\/small><\/a><\/p>\n