{"id":1394044,"date":"2021-08-12T09:45:00","date_gmt":"2021-08-12T13:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/community.sparknotes.com\/?p=1394044"},"modified":"2021-08-12T09:54:57","modified_gmt":"2021-08-12T13:54:57","slug":"the-25-worst-ways-to-start-your-college-essay","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/blog\/the-25-worst-ways-to-start-your-college-essay\/","title":{"rendered":"The 25 Worst Ways to Start Your College Essay"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Writing a good college admissions essay is a mixture of luck and just straight-up sorcery. If you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. Nobody is banging out an essay in twenty minutes and doing a celebratory backflip out their bedroom window just to bring it all home. Everyone is struggling.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’m sorry to say that I don’t know the secret. I don’t know how to ace those college essays; I do not know the incantations. All I do know is that you should never, under any circumstances, start your essay off with one of these…<\/p>\n\n\n\n

1. If I had to describe myself in three words, they would be “anxious,” “itchy,” and “hungry.”<\/p>\n\n\n\n

2. I’m involved in a number of extracurricular activities, such as jazz band, peer tutoring, and constantly enduring the existential dread unique to being alive.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

3. Most people don’t have a favorite Germanic death god, but I sure do.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

4. What sets me apart from the thousands of other applicants is that most of them probably haven’t spent a lot of time living outside the law.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

5. If my demands aren’t met, I’m prepared to burn this place to the ground.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

6. You’ll notice my entire essay is just pictures of pugs wearing hats, and no, that’s not a mistake.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

7. It all started about eighteen years ago, when my parents decided to have me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

8. I know I’m late, but time is a social construct and your arbitrary “application deadline” means nothing in the vast chaos of an unfeeling universe.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

9. Please let me in.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

10. I think the biggest issue facing society today is that we as a species can’t decide if the waffle taco is inherently good or evil.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

11. One time I overcame adversity by just, like, trying really hard.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

12. Ernest Hemingway once said, “Write drunk, edit sober,” so with that in mind I’d like to make a confession.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

13. I’m a Libra. That should tell you pretty much all you need to know.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

14. My favorite historical figure? Napoleon Bonaparte. I mean whoo, boy. Dude sure knew how to wear a pair of buckskin breeches.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

15. My talents include complaining, criticizing other people’s fashion choices, and bloodletting.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

16. My long-term goals: graduate in four years, find a decent job in my field, and have a sizable amount in my 401k by the time I’m 35. My short-term goals: find out how many Crunchwrap Supremes is too many<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

17. I would like to attend this school because my parents are forcing me to write this essay. They’re literally breathing down my neck as we speak. Please send help.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

18. I’m not that great at writing, so in place of an admissions essay, please accept this artfully constructed, many-layered meme.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

19. The way things are going, I’m betting the world will end in 2023, which means the reckoning is nigh and none of this matters.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

20. My greatest fear? Using my turn signal too early and being THAT guy.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

21. My favorite book is the one I’m going to write some day. My second-favorite book is The Da Vinci Code<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

22. If I could bring anyone from history back to life, it would be the fearsome pirate Blackbeard. Where’s the treasure, Eddie?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

23. For me, the road to self-actualization began the first time I ever set something on fire.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

24. I have many interests, including but not limited to sharks, bread, and the Archduke Franz Ferdinand.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

25. A problem I would like to solve is global poverty, and also the pernicious misconception that Thin Mints are the best Girl Scout Cookie when clearly it is Tagalongs.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Writing a good college admissions essay is a mixture of luck and just straight-up sorcery. If you’re having a hard time, you’re not alone. Nobody is banging out an essay in twenty minutes and doing a continue reading<\/span>\n <\/path>\n <\/svg><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":182,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[9],"tags":[5424,23890,236,24312,5161,25017],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1394044"}],"collection":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/182"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1394044"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1394044\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1447921,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1394044\/revisions\/1447921"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1394044"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1394044"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1394044"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}