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O Hamlet\u2014the tortured, emo boyfriend I \u00a0never had but always dreamed of. He’s the original unavailable brainiac. If Hamlet had slumped against my locker and mumbled any one of these five \u00a0~deep~ thoughts, I would have followed him anywhere. Well, at least to \u00a0the \u00a0White Hen to get some Kombucha. Hamlet would have \u00a0loved \u00a0<\/em>Kombucha.<\/p>\n 1.<\/p>\n \u201cDoubt thou the stars are fire;<\/p>\n Doubt that the sun doth move;<\/p>\n Doubt truth to be a liar;<\/p>\n But never doubt I love.\u201d (Act II, Scene II)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n I mean, who wouldn’t melt on the spot if your crush said this to you\u2014wearing tights?<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 2.<\/p>\n \u201cThere is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.\u201d (Act II, Scene II)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n It’s all about perspective, people. Get off your moral high horse and see the (highly subjective) light. I shudder to think of the Spinoza rabbit-hole this one would have sent me down.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 3.<\/p>\n \u201cThough this be madness, yet there is method in’t.\u201d (Act II, Scene II)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n A method to my madness, anyone? This highlights Hamlet’s super \u00a0sexy confidence. Yeah, he’s nuts, but he knows<\/em> he nuts. Hamlet: he might incorrectly mansplain iambic pentameter at you till your ears bleed, but the courage of his convictions\u2014and the fact that he’s totally pulling off that hint of eyeliner\u2014means that you still really<\/em> want to make out with him.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 4.<\/p>\n \u201cConscience doth make cowards of us all.\u201d (Act III, Scene I)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n Ok, now we’re kind of veering into Hamlet’s dark side. This is what he’ll say to you just before he convinces you to drive your car onto the football field to do donuts. He’ll probably say it’s some kind of protest, but a protest of what, Hamlet?? Grass??<\/p>\n <\/p>\n 5.<\/p>\n \u201cO, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,<\/p>\n Thaw and resolve itself into a dew,<\/p>\n Or that the Everlasting had not fixed<\/p>\n His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God, God,<\/p>\n How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable<\/p>\n Seem to me all the uses of this world!\u201d (Scene I, Act II)<\/p><\/blockquote>\n This is the hotness trifecta of resignation, futility, and hopelessness. \u00a0These lines in particular show Hamlet’s flair for really good adjectives: sullied, weary, stale, flat, AND unprofitable. But wait! \u00a0The world sucks, yet he still calls out to God? He’s got some reckoning to do, for sure. My prediction? If he makes it to college, he’ll \u00a0get \u00a0seriously into social causes (after a brief \u00a0stint as a nihilist philosophy major) and realize that cynical slouching isn’t nearly as attractive \u00a0as meaningful contribution.<\/p>\n O Hamlet! I forgive you for being the kind of guy who would have declined to take me to the prom because you were against the very concept of proms, but who would have ended up showing up at the after-party wrapped around a girl in a statement hat. \u00a0In fact, I forgive us both.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" O Hamlet\u2014the tortured, emo boyfriend I \u00a0never had but always dreamed of. He’s the original unavailable brainiac. If Hamlet had slumped against my locker and mumbled any one of these five \u00a0~deep~ thoughts, I would continue reading<\/span>