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Like most people, I initiate all my break-ups by ineloquently barfing out “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME” and then fleeing the scene. But it sometimes occurs to me\u2014as I change my name, leave the country, and fake my own death\u2014that there might be a better way. Shakespeare was the master of stringing words together to make whole sentences, and he did it often, so it stands to reason that somewhere<\/em> in there he offered up advice on how to dump someone. Right?<\/p>\n I’m here to tell you that he did. Here’s what you say:<\/p>\n When you break up with them face-to-face:<\/strong> When they say “But I love you!” and that you’re the best thing that ever happened to them:<\/strong> When you take the coward’s way out and break up with them over text:<\/strong> When you have your friend do it for you:<\/strong> When you tell him there are plenty of fish in the sea and he takes it literally:<\/strong> When you try to ease the blow by telling them they’re too good for you, anyway:<\/strong> When they ask why you’re doing this:<\/strong> When this whole thing is taking longer than expected and you have somewhere to be:<\/strong> When you’re breaking up with your boyfriend John because of his terrible manners:<\/strong> When you’re not even sure if you should break up with them, so you take an online quiz about it:<\/strong> When you already broke up with them but they won’t stop texting you:<\/strong> When you’re listing off all the reasons you’re dumping him, and he turns the tables on you<\/em>:<\/strong> When you’re finally single again and you see a cute person walk by:<\/strong> When you catch him cheating:<\/strong> When he starts crying and begging you to forgive him:<\/strong> When they beg you for a second chance:<\/strong> Like most people, I initiate all my break-ups by ineloquently barfing out “IT’S NOT YOU, IT’S ME” and then fleeing the scene. But it sometimes occurs to me\u2014as I change my name, leave the country, and continue reading<\/span>
\n“Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away!”
\n\u2014The Merry Wives of Windsor<\/em>, Act 4, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Farewell, and thanks.”
\n\u2014Antony and Cleopatra<\/em>, Act 5, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“The text most infallibly concludes it.”
\n\u2014Love’s Labour’s Lost<\/i>, Act 4, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Give me some help here, ho!”
\n\u2014All’s Well That Ends Well<\/i>, Act 2, Scene 1<\/p>\n
\n“Nay, you need not to stop your nose, sir; I spake
\nbut by a metaphor.”
\n\u2014All’s Well That Ends Well<\/em>, Act 5, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Farewell, thou art too dear for my possessing.”
\n\u2014Sonnet 87, ln. 1<\/p>\n
\n“You, minion, are too saucy.”
\n\u2014The Two Gentlemen of Verona<\/em>, Act 1, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Give me now leave, to leave thee.”
\n\u2014Twelfth Night<\/em>, Act 2, Scene 4<\/p>\n
\n“What foolish master taught you these manners, Sir John?”
\n\u2014Henry IV Part 2<\/em>, Act 2, Scene 1<\/p>\n
\n“The instruments of darkness tell us truths.”
\n\u2014Macbeth<\/i>, Act 1, Scene 3<\/p>\n
\n“No more! The text is foolish.”
\n\u2014King Lear<\/i>, Act 4, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Many receipts he gave me.”
\n\u2014All’s Well That Ends Well<\/em>, Act 2, Scene 1<\/p>\n
\n“Cry ‘holla’ to thy tongue, I prithee.”
\n\u2014As You Like It<\/em>, Act 3, Scene 2<\/p>\n
\n“Thou liest, abhorred tyrant; with my sword
\nI’ll prove the lie thou speak’st.”
\n\u2014Macbeth<\/em>, Act 5, Scene 7<\/p>\n
\n“O, he is wounded; I thank the gods for’t.”
\n\u2014Coriolanus<\/em>, Act 2, Scene 1<\/p>\n
\n“Out of my door, you witch, you hag, you baggage, you polecat, you runyon! out, out! I’ll conjure you, I’ll fortune-tell you.”
\n\u2014Henry IV Part 2<\/em>, Act 4, Scene 6<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"