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If you’re actually doing something over spring break, well, that’s cool, I guess. Congrats on having a life. Anyway, you might as well clear out now; there’s nothing here for you. Today I’m speaking directly to those who will, like me, be practicing the age-old tradition of just not leaving the house for an entire week and hoping your friends don’t forget about you while they’re off lounging on beaches and falling in love with sexy lifeguards or whatever it is people do on spring break.<\/p>\n
Let’s commiserate together, shall we?<\/p>\n
What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> \u00a0Having the time of their life with twenty of their closest friends.
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Making plans to go out and then canceling them so you can spend the night lying in bed and switching between the same three apps for six hours.<\/p>\n
What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> Going on vacation somewhere tropical. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> \u00a0Wearing new bathing suits that look really good on them. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> \u00a0Eating delicious foods they’ve never tried before. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> \u00a0Drinking something fruity out of a glass with a little umbrella in it. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> \u00a0Swimming with dolphins. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> Documenting their life-changing vacation experience on Instagram. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> Achieving that elusively flawless suntan. What other people will be doing on spring break:<\/b> Lounging poolside and getting a jumpstart on the assigned reading. If you’re actually doing something over spring break, well, that’s cool, I guess. Congrats on having a life. Anyway, you might as well clear out now; there’s nothing here for you. Today I’m speaking directly continue reading<\/span>
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> Getting annoyed when Netflix has the gall to ask if you’re “still watching.” Eventually your laptop will overheat and make a noise like a plane taking off, which is kind<\/em> of like going on vacation somewhere tropical, if you think about it.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Changing out of your pajamas into different pajamas.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Getting takeout \u00a0and then spending an anxious forty-five minutes trying to find a show to watch because you don’t want to waste this meal on something substandard.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Creating an elaborate system of bendy straws so that you can sip the can of Mountain Dew on your bedside table with minimal effort.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Googling how far away we as a society are from robot butlers, because every time you have to get up and go to the kitchen for snacks, well, that’s thirty seconds of your life you could’ve spent watching Vine compilations.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing: <\/b>Scrolling forlornly through said pictures, knowing full and damn well the only thing you did today was move the Pile of Clothes from your bed to the chair.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> \u00a0Forgetting to drink water. Leveraging your desire to get up and turn \u00a0the lights on against the fact that you’re \u00a0comfortable where you are so you just let your bedroom get dark around you. Sleeping until noon and then feeling like you didn’t do anything meaningful with your day, so you find yourself drowning in \u00a0existential \u00a0ennui. \u00a0Also you are knee-deep in leftover pizza, you haven’t left the house in days, and your skin is so pale that’s physically blinding.<\/p>\n
\nWhat you will be doing:<\/b> Anything but that.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"