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People will say, “But Elodie, Romeo and Juliet<\/em><\/a> was supposed to be a cautionary tale, not a romantic how-to guide.” And I hear you. I do. But how do you explain the fact that I have, since reading it, gone from being a naive, dateless rube who spills things on herself to someone who has dated between one and three people? Check and mate. Here’s everything I learned about dating from reading Shakespeare’s most famous tragedy:<\/p>\n 1. If your parents disapprove of your relationship, fake your own death and just hope the issue resolves itself.<\/p>\n 2. Cute date idea: break into her tomb and weep over her lifeless body.<\/p>\n 3. Compliment her hands excessively. You can never say enough good things about a woman’s hands.<\/p>\n 4. Get all your relationship advice from the bawdy nanny.<\/p>\n 5. Love means never having to say you’re sorry that you murdered her cousin in cold blood and then fled the scene.<\/p>\n 6. Only speak in love sonnets.<\/p>\n 7. Every time something goes even a little bit wrong, threaten to stab yourself.<\/p>\n 8. If another man is courting your lady, murder him without even asking his name.<\/p>\n 9. Strongly imply that she is your only reason for living after knowing her for barely three hours.<\/p>\n 10. If your beloved dies unexpectedly, join her in death. It’ll be super romantic. Don’t bother fact-checking this development or asking any follow-up questions.<\/p>\n 11. There is no reason on earth why you shouldn’t pledge your life to the first masked man who asks if he can kiss you.<\/p>\n 12. Compare kissing him to sinning in the eyes of God.<\/p>\n 13. It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all, except it’s not. Drink the poison, ending it all.<\/p>\n 14. Pro tip: anyone can just go out and buy poison, apparently.<\/p>\n 15. Refuse to duel her kinsman. However, if said kinsman stabs one of your friends and it’s partially your fault, he’s fair game.<\/p>\n 16. Cute date idea: risk your life by attending a party thrown by your mortal enemies.<\/p>\n 17. Cute date idea: consummate the marriage on the eve of your eternal banishment.<\/p>\n 18. If people keep saying things like \u201cThese violent delights have violent ends,\u201d just ignore it. It’s probably nothing.<\/p>\n 19. If your crush has taken a vow of chastity, just show up at her house. Maybe she changed her mind.<\/p>\n 20. If your father is forcing you to marry a man you don’t love, refuse to do it, then threaten suicide until someone has a better idea.<\/p>\n 21. Eavesdrop on her to find out if she has feelings for you. Odds are she will be soliloquizing out loud about you specifically.<\/p>\n 22. Flirt with him by telling him he’s a boring kisser.<\/p>\n 23. Remember: being in love will make you go soft. Maintain your street cred by fighting people to the death in the public square.<\/p>\n 24. Compare him to a god in a way that is flirtatious at best and heresy at worst.<\/p>\n 25. When given the choice between a family member you’ve known your entire life and a man you met literally yesterday, choose the man you met yesterday. I can’t believe I even need to say this.<\/p>\n Previously in this series: Everything I Know About Dating, I Learned from <\/a><\/em>The Great Gatsby<\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" People will say, “But Elodie, Romeo and Juliet was supposed to be a cautionary tale, not a romantic how-to guide.” And I hear you. I do. But how do you explain the fact that I continue reading<\/span>