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Okay, raise of hands: who saw Infinity War<\/em> over the weekend? And who DIDN’T see Infinity War<\/em> over the weekend so now the entire Internet has become an impossible minefield of potential spoilers?<\/p>\n Not only did Infinity War<\/em> break just about as many box office records<\/a> as there are characters in the film, but it’s garnering widespread critical acclaim despite the fact that I, upon exiting the theater, witnessed a woman saying fervently to her friend, \u201cI HATE MARVEL FOR \u00a0WHAT THEY JUST MADE ME WATCH,\u201d which is a fair assessment.<\/p>\n But you don’t want to hear what I<\/em> think about the movie, mostly because what I think about the movie can’t be summed up in words so much as it can be summed up in frantic hand gestures and violent sobbing. Let’s instead hear what the classic authors of yore would have to say about it.<\/p>\n DISCLAIMER: mild, vaguely worded spoilers ahead. But nothing major or specific, I promise.<\/b><\/p>\n ***<\/p>\n \u201cIt was a little<\/i> derivative (killing off beloved characters? That’s MY THING), but overall it wasn’t a bad way to spend an afternoon.\u201d \u2014Shakespeare<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cI mean, it was no Free Willy<\/i>, but it’s up there.\u201d \u2014Herman Melville<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cIn my opinion, there were far too many people throwing punches and not nearly enough people chastely kissing one another’s hands while taking a chaperoned stroll in the garden.\u201d \u2014Jane Austen<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cI liked the handsome, rich guy with a heart of gold who suffered.\u201d \u2014Charlotte Bronte<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cMy biggest problem with the movie is that it wasn’t an extended political allegory for the dangers of Stalinism. That said, the talking raccoon was pretty cool.\u201d \u2014George Orwell<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cSome people thought there were too many characters in the film, but me? I thought there were just enough characters. Honestly, I think it could have used more. My favorite part was when the god-man came down to earth to throw lightning bolts at people. That was pretty cool.\u201d \u2014Homer<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cCall me crazy, but I really liked that Thanos guy.\u201d \u2014Rudyard Kipling<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cI really liked the villain. I mean, he was this big, ugly, eloquent monster. What’s not to like? You almost\u2014almost<\/i>\u2014wanted to sympathize with him, but at the end of the day\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 well, he’s murdering people for his own twisted agenda. So that’s not great.\u201d \u2014Mary Shelley<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cI experienced roughly forty-seven feelings while watching this, and all of them were heartbreaking. If you’ve ever read my stuff, you know that’s saying something.\u201d \u2014Victor Hugo<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cThe movie was WAY too action-packed for my liking. There should have been just one awesome thing happening at any given moment, followed by five hours of absolutely nothing. Maybe throw in a scaffold, I don’t know.\u201d \u2014Nathaniel Hawthorne<\/b><\/p>\n \u201cI liked Chris Evans’ beard.” \u2014Ernest Hemingway<\/b><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Okay, raise of hands: who saw Infinity War over the weekend? And who DIDN’T see Infinity War over the weekend so now the entire Internet has become an impossible minefield of potential spoilers? Not only continue reading<\/span>