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I watched Elf<\/em> this year pretty much the second it became socially acceptable, so it should come as no surprise that I love holiday movies and the well-meaning but ultimately misguided expectations they forced me to internalize growing up.<\/p>\n In fact, it wasn’t until I got older that I realized almost everything they taught me was a lie, including but not limited to these lessons:<\/p>\n 1.<\/strong> \u00a0That a young child or wayward ghost would teach me the true meaning of Christmas.<\/p>\n 2.<\/strong> \u00a0That candy canes are a good holiday treat rather than a shiv just waiting to happen.<\/p>\n 3.<\/strong> \u00a0That I would find myself snowed in on Christmas Eve, and become a better person for it.<\/p>\n 4.<\/strong> \u00a0That the jingle of bells would signal Santa’s arrival and not the fact that the cat jumped on the tree and got stuck again.<\/p>\n 5.<\/strong> \u00a0That I would put on a Christmas pageant against insurmountable odds.<\/p>\n 6.<\/strong> \u00a0That I would be the one to save Christmas.<\/p>\n 7.<\/strong> \u00a0That, indeed, Christmas would require saving.<\/p>\n 8.<\/strong> That I would reunite with a long-lost relative, despite the fact that I didn’t actually have any long-lost relatives. (It’s a Christmas miracle!)<\/p>\n 9.<\/strong> That the stranger with whom I experienced a meet-cute at the paper shop earlier would reveal himself \u00a0to be a prince in disguise, and madly in love with me.<\/p>\n 10.<\/strong> That I would skate on a frozen pond with the other be-mittened neighborhood youths.<\/p>\n 11.<\/strong> \u00e2\u20ac\u00a8That I, a holiday-hating miser, would see the error of my ways and finally learn what Christmas is all about.<\/p>\n 12.<\/strong> That it would begin snowing at a climactic juncture.<\/p>\n 13.<\/strong> That a conventionally attractive person would confess their undying love to me at the holiday party.<\/p>\n 14.<\/strong> That snow is pretty and not something I have to shovel for two hours while the neighbors, with their walk-behind snow blowers, look on unsympathetically.<\/p>\n 15.<\/strong> That my dad and the dad across the street would get into an all-out Christmas lights WAR, culminating in one or both of them falling off the roof.<\/p>\n 16.<\/strong> That my flight would be cancelled due to inclement weather, and I would be forced to hitch a ride home with a stranger (and learn a few life lessons in the process!).<\/p>\n 17.<\/strong> That taking a sleigh ride through the park is enjoyable and romantic when in reality it is simply uncomfortable and cold.<\/p>\n 18.<\/strong> That I would put off Christmas shopping until 7:30 PM on Christmas Eve, yet still somehow find the perfect present for that special someone.<\/p>\n 19.<\/strong> That I would eventually murder Santa and take his place, owing to the unyielding laws of Santa succession.<\/p>\n 20.<\/strong> That Santa exists and nobody believes in him, \u00a0despite \u00a0verifiable proof \u00a0including the fact that he’s standing right there and giving everybody the thing they asked for when they were a child but never received.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I watched Elf this year pretty much the second it became socially acceptable, so it should come as no surprise that I love holiday movies and the well-meaning but ultimately misguided expectations they forced me continue reading<\/span>