{"id":1404089,"date":"2019-12-25T10:00:14","date_gmt":"2019-12-25T15:00:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/community.sparknotes.com\/?p=1404089"},"modified":"2019-12-16T16:19:16","modified_gmt":"2019-12-16T21:19:16","slug":"classic-christmas-stories-as-reviewed-by-fictional-villains","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"\/blog\/classic-christmas-stories-as-reviewed-by-fictional-villains\/","title":{"rendered":"Classic Christmas Stories As Reviewed by Fictional Villains"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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It’s not difficult to guess that all the reviews you’ve heard for A Christmas Carol<\/em> or The Polar Express<\/em> were glowing, raving, five-star affairs. After all, Christmas classics are books that warm the heart and bring a little magic into everyone’s lives, right?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

WRONG. Some people hate Christmas stories, and those people are villains. (Okay, fine, we’re not saying EVERYONE who hates Christmas stories is a villain, except yes we totally are.) Here’s what some of the greatest antagonists in literature have to say about these beloved holiday classics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThere are books that completely and utterly change your life, make you look at things with new eyes, show you a whole new way of existing\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 and then there’s A Christmas Carol<\/em>. Avada Kedavra with it already.\u201d \u2014 Voldemort on A Christmas Carol<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI always say the poor should never be allowed to write. This book is why.\u201d \u2014 Tom Buchanan on The Gift of the Magi<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cA train wreck if there ever was one. And the Tom Hanks movie? My playing cards are livelier than the faces of those unsettling animated children. OFF with their heads.\u201d \u2014 The Queen of Hearts on The Polar Express<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cDull, unimaginative, sentimental. Was this written by my husband? Be honest.\u201d \u2014 Lady Macbeth on The Little Match Girl<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cFather Christmas and his cast of miscreant polar bears are flat caricatures. Tolkien is only good for writing one kind of character. Me. He should stop trying new things.\u201d \u2014 Sauron on Letters from Father Christmas<\/em> by J.R.R. Tolkien<\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt’s like Alice in Wonderland<\/em> but without a ruthless monarch who’s ready to behead someone at a moment’s notice, and honestly where’s the fun in that?\u201d \u2014 Richard III on The Nutcracker and the Mouse King<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWarming the heart, teaching important lessons, giving hope\u00e2\u20ac\u00a6 is there anything this story can do?\u201d \u2014 Dracula on The Elves and the Shoemaker<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis only proves what I already know: soldiers are stupid and women are dispensable. The troll trying to separate the two idiots was my favorite character by far.\u201d \u2014 Iago on The Steadfast Tin Soldier<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThis poem was boring. What was the conflict? Where was the VILLAIN? Give me a story where Santa Claus is actually a Machiavellian criminal mastermind. Now that’s a story I’d read.\u201d \u2014 Moriarty on ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cPosits the idea that Christmas is about more than just consumerism, then ends the story with everyone embracing consumerism. That’s Doublethink at its finest.\u201d \u2014 Big Brother on How the Grinch Stole Christmas<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It’s not difficult to guess that all the reviews you’ve heard for A Christmas Carol or The Polar Express were glowing, raving, five-star affairs. After all, Christmas classics are books that warm the heart and bring a little magic continue reading<\/span>\n <\/path>\n <\/svg><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":485,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[7],"tags":[438,691,628,2335,32,5033],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404089"}],"collection":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/485"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1404089"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404089\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1442009,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1404089\/revisions\/1442009"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1404089"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1404089"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1404089"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}