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ACT THREE
[A reception-room cut off from a drawing-room by an arch. Chandelier lighted. A Jewish band, the one mentioned in Act II, is heard playing in another room. Evening. In the drawing-room the grand rond is being danced. Voice of SIMEONOV PISCHIN “Promenade a une paire!” Dancers come into the reception-room; the first pair are PISCHIN and CHARLOTTA IVANOVNA; the second, TROFIMOV and LUBOV ANDREYEVNA; the third, ANYA and the POST OFFICE CLERK; the fourth, VARYA and the STATION-MASTER, and so on. VARYA is crying gently and wipes away her tears as she dances. DUNYASHA is in the last pair. They go off into the drawing-room, PISCHIN shouting, “Grand rond, balancez!” and “Les cavaliers à genou et remerciez vos dames!” FIERS, in a dress-coat, carries a tray with seltzer-water across. Enter PISCHIN and TROFIMOV from the drawing-room.]
PISCHIN. I’m full-blooded and have already had two strokes; it’s hard for me to dance, but, as they say, if you’re in Rome, you must do as Rome does. I’ve got the strength of a horse. My dead father, who liked a joke, peace to his bones, used to say, talking of our ancestors, that the ancient stock of the Simeonov-Pischins was descended from that identical horse that Caligula made a senator.... [Sits] But the trouble is, I’ve no money! A hungry dog only believes in meat. [Snores and wakes up again immediately] So I... only believe in money....
TROFIMOV. Yes. There is something equine about your figure.
PISCHIN. Well... a horse is a fine animal... you can sell a horse.
[Billiard playing can be heard in the next room. VARYA appears under the arch.]
TROFIMOV. [Teasing] Madame Lopakhin! Madame Lopakhin!
VARYA. [Angry] Decayed gentleman!
TROFIMOV. Yes, I am a decayed gentleman, and I’m proud of it!
VARYA. [Bitterly] We’ve hired the musicians, but how are they to be paid? [Exit.]
TROFIMOV. [To PISCHIN] If the energy which you, in the course of your life, have spent in looking for money to pay interest had been used for something else, then, I believe, after all, you’d be able to turn everything upside down.
PISCHIN. Nietzsche... a philosopher... a very great, a most celebrated man... a man of enormous brain, says in his books that you can forge bank-notes.
TROFIMOV. And have you read Nietzsche?
PISCHIN. Well... Dashenka told me. Now I’m in such a position, I wouldn’t mind forging them... I’ve got to pay 310 roubles the day after to-morrow... I’ve got 130 already.... [Feels his pockets, nervously] I’ve lost the money! The money’s gone! [Crying] Where’s the money? [Joyfully] Here it is behind the lining... I even began to perspire.
[Enter LUBOV ANDREYEVNA and CHARLOTTA IVANOVNA.]
LUBOV. [Humming a Caucasian dance] Why is Leonid away so long? What’s he doing in town? [To DUNYASHA] Dunyasha, give the musicians some tea.
TROFIMOV. Business is off, I suppose.
LUBOV. And the musicians needn’t have come, and we needn’t have got up this ball.... Well, never mind.... [Sits and sings softly.]
CHARLOTTA. [Gives a pack of cards to PISCHIN] Here’s a pack of cards, think of any one card you like.
PISCHIN. I’ve thought of one.
CHARLOTTA. Now shuffle. All right, now. Give them here, oh my dear Mr. Pischin. Ein, zwei, drei! Now look and you’ll find it in your coat-tail pocket.
PISCHIN. [Takes a card out of his coat-tail pocket] Eight of spades, quite right! [Surprised] Think of that now!
CHARLOTTA. [Holds the pack of cards on the palm of her hand. To TROFIMOV] Now tell me quickly. What’s the top card?
TROFIMOV. Well, the queen of spades.
CHARLOTTA. Right! [To PISCHIN] Well now? What card’s on top?
PISCHIN. Ace of hearts.
CHARLOTTA. Right! [Claps her hands, the pack of cards vanishes] How lovely the weather is to-day. [A mysterious woman’s voice answers her, as if from under the floor, “Oh yes, it’s lovely weather, madam.”] You are so beautiful, you are my ideal. [Voice, “You, madam, please me very much too.”]
STATION-MASTER. [Applauds] Madame ventriloquist, bravo!
PISCHIN. [Surprised] Think of that, now! Delightful, Charlotte Ivanovna... I’m simply in love....
CHARLOTTA. In love? [Shrugging her shoulders] Can you love? Guter Mensch aber schlechter Musikant.
TROFIMOV. [Slaps PISCHIN on the shoulder] Oh, you horse!
CHARLOTTA. Attention please, here’s another trick. [Takes a shawl from a chair] Here’s a very nice plaid shawl, I’m going to sell it.... [Shakes it] Won’t anybody buy it?
PISCHIN. [Astonished] Think of that now!
CHARLOTTA. Ein, zwei, drei.
[She quickly lifts up the shawl, which is hanging down. ANYA is standing behind it; she bows and runs to her mother, hugs her and runs back to the drawing-room amid general applause.]
LUBOV. [Applauds] Bravo, bravo!
CHARLOTTA. Once again! Ein, zwei, drei!
[Lifts the shawl. VARYA stands behind it and bows.]
PISCHIN. [Astonished] Think of that, now.
CHARLOTTA. The end!
[Throws the shawl at PISCHIN, curtseys and runs into the drawing-room.]
PISCHIN. [Runs after her] Little wretch.... What? Would you? [Exit.]
LUBOV. Leonid hasn’t come yet. I don’t understand what he’s doing so long in town! Everything must be over by now. The estate must be sold; or, if the sale never came off, then why does he stay so long?
VARYA. [Tries to soothe her] Uncle has bought it. I’m certain of it.
TROFIMOV. [Sarcastically] Oh, yes!
VARYA. Grandmother sent him her authority for him to buy it in her name and transfer the debt to her. She’s doing it for Anya. And I’m certain that God will help us and uncle will buy it.
LUBOV. Grandmother sent fifteen thousand roubles from Yaroslav to buy the property in her name—she won’t trust us—and that wasn’t even enough to pay the interest. [Covers her face with her hands] My fate will be settled to-day, my fate....
TROFIMOV. [Teasing VARYA] Madame Lopakhin!
VARYA. [Angry] Eternal student! He’s already been expelled twice from the university.
LUBOV. Why are you getting angry, Varya? He’s teasing you about Lopakhin, well what of it? You can marry Lopakhin if you want to, he’s a good, interesting man.... You needn’t if you don’t want to; nobody wants to force you against your will, my darling.
VARYA. I do look at the matter seriously, little mother, to be quite frank. He’s a good man, and I like him.
LUBOV. Then marry him. I don’t understand what you’re waiting for.
VARYA. I can’t propose to him myself, little mother. People have been talking about him to me for two years now, but he either says nothing, or jokes about it. I understand. He’s getting rich, he’s busy, he can’t bother about me. If I had some money, even a little, even only a hundred roubles, I’d throw up everything and go away. I’d go into a convent.
TROFIMOV. How nice!
VARYA. [To TROFIMOV] A student ought to have sense! [Gently, in tears] How ugly you are now, Peter, how old you’ve grown! [To LUBOV ANDREYEVNA, no longer crying] But I can’t go on without working, little mother. I want to be doing something every minute.
[Enter YASHA.]
YASHA. [Nearly laughing] Epikhodov’s broken a billiard cue! [Exit.]
VARYA. Why is Epikhodov here? Who said he could play billiards? I don’t understand these people. [Exit.]
