payment page
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this.
Here, Charlie admits to having suicidal ideation. While he doesn’t mention suicide outright, his thoughts imply that he finds the idea of death and nonexistence comforting, or at least preferable to continuing with his current existence. Charlie understands that his thoughts are “morbid” and that they suggest that he is struggling with mental health, but he can’t help feeling that he might be better off if he was no longer alive. This passage foreshadows how Charlie’s pain and sadness will have serious consequences on his well-being if he doesn’t seek help.
I wasn’t happy about Craig and Sam breaking up. Not at all. I never once thought that it would mean Sam might start liking me. All I cared about was the fact that Sam got really hurt. And I guess I realized at that moment that I really did love her. Because there was nothing to gain, and that didn’t matter.
Charlie realizes that he feels true love for Sam because her happiness is more important to him than his own wants and satisfaction. Although he’s in love with Sam and has wanted her to end her relationship with Craig in the past, he doesn’t feel good when she finally breaks up with him. Rather, Charlie sympathizes with Sam and feels her pain. Rather than celebrating the breakup because it could mean a chance for him to make a move on Sam, he feels badly because he knows that Sam was deeply hurt. Charlie believes that real love means supporting and caring for someone despite your ability to gain from the situation.
It’s just hard to see a friend hurt this much. Especially when you can’t do anything except “be there.” I want to make him stop hurting, but I can’t. So, I just follow him around whenever he wants to show me his world.
This passage illustrates how deeply Charlie cares for and empathizes with his friends. When Patrick’s heart is broken by his breakup with Brad, he is incredibly hurt and turns to drinking for comfort. Charlie, who is immensely sensitive, struggles to see Patrick in so much pain. Knowing that he can’t do anything to stop the hurt, he opts instead to simply be there for his friend and to participate in the life that Patrick currently needs to live in order to heal. Charlie’s empathy for his friends is sometimes so all-consuming that Sam eventually must warn him that he can’t always forsake his own needs to care for his friends, but, in general, Charlie’s sensitivity and kindness allow him to create strong bonds with others and form lasting, true friendships.
