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O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book, as you have books for good manners. I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that, too, with an ‘if’. I knew when seven justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an ‘if’, as ‘If you said so, then I said so’, and they shook hands and swore brothers. Your ‘if’ is the only peacemaker; much virtue in ‘if’.
(V.iv. 81 –92 )
In Act V, scene iv, Touchstone delivers
an account of a recent argument he has had. His anatomy of the quarrel,
as this speech might be called, is a deftly comic moment that skewers
all behavior that is “by the book,” whether it be rules for engaging
an enemy or a lover (V.iv.
