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It’s been six days since my last movement. One of the bullet-point symptoms on WebMD was this: the sense that everything didn’t come out. This feels true about my life in ways I can’t articulate yet.
Edwin’s literal constipation is a metaphor for the many ways in which his life has stagnated. Edwin’s lifestyle, which includes little exercise and a lot of junk food, causes his bowel movements to be irregular, painful, and incomplete. His lifestyle has also affected other aspects of his life in a similar way—he hasn’t used his master’s degree since graduating, he has no job, he has no partner or friends, and he has no connection to his Native roots. He isn’t living up to his potential or producing at the level he’s capable of. Thus, both his bowels and his life trajectory are stopped up.
I’m as Native as Obama is black. It’s different though. For Natives. I know. I don’t know how to be. Every possible way I think that it might look for me to say I’m Native seems wrong.
Edwin is half-white and half-Native, so he compares his biracial identity with Barack Obama’s, who is half-white and half-Black. However, while these biracial identities are similar, they aren’t the same, and they don’t necessarily lead to the same outcomes in society. Being a biracial Native is challenging for Edwin because he has no idea how to feel secure in the Native side of his identity. He has no relationship with his father, and his white mother has done little to help Edwin connect with his indigenous roots. He often fantasizes about a version of himself that grew up on a reservation with his father, because he desperately wants to claim his Native identity but doesn't know how.
While I was talking something in me reached back to remember all that I’d once hoped I’d be, and placed it next to the feeling of being who I am now.
Edwin was once a motivated, well-educated young man. He successfully pursued a Master’s Degree in Comparative Literature with a focus in Native American Literature, a track he hoped would bring him closer to his indigenous heritage. He also dreamed of being a writer. However, Edwin’s life has gone off track; not only has he lost sight of the future he’d hoped for, but he’s found himself dependent on the internet, using it to create alternate versions of himself that are successful, healthy, and happy. When Edwin finally takes a hard look at his life, he has the important realization that his dreams and his reality are deeply contrasted. Due to this realization, he can start making positive changes.
