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Jesper didn’t know if he wanted his father to be waiting for him at the university or not. It was so much more pleasant to think of facing a fight than the shame of how horribly he’d botched everything, but talking about that felt like trying to climb a scaffold made of rotting boards.
This moment of reflection takes place in Chapter 5 as Jesper stalls in the University District, afraid to face his father. Because Jesper is so ashamed of his actions and the consequences they have had for his father, he expects to encounter someone furious, suggesting that he is projecting his own self-punishing feelings onto his father. When he finally meets Colm, though, his father locks him in a crushing embrace, happy and relieved to see his son. Colm’s love for his son outshines his disappointment in Jesper’s choices. Before their reunion, however, Jesper cannot imagine an outcome that isn’t built around his own feelings of self-loathing, guilt, and shame. The metaphor of rotting floorboards reflects the way shame erodes the foundation of Jesper’s self-perception, making it difficult for him to climb out of the pit of his own self-hatred.
It’s shame that lines my pockets, shame that keeps the Barrel teeming with fools ready to put on a mask just so they can have what they want with no one the wiser for it. We can endure all kinds of pain. It’s shame that eats men whole.
This quote from Kaz, the last line of which is repeated throughout the novel, takes place in Chapter 18. He and Wylan are breaking into a safe in the latter’s childhood home and Kaz is trying to convince him that he is perfectly capable of running a business empire. Parroting his father’s arguments, Wylan insists that his illiteracy makes him unfit to lead, but Kaz replies that the only barrier to his success is his tendency to listen primarily to his own shame. Kaz acknowledges that the businesses in the Barrel turn a profit from shame, as it drives people to overindulge in vices they feel the need to hide from others. But that does not mean shame cannot be mastered in other ways, as Kaz’s own ability to turn his limp into a source of power demonstrates. This conversation takes place under a portrait of Wylan’s great-great-grandfather, emphasizing how shame can be a family affair, passed down across the generations. Wylan has the ability to break this cycle by realizing his own power, facing down his father, and taking over his empire.
It’s shame that eats men whole. He was drowning in it. Drowning in the Ketterdam harbor. His eyes blurred.
"It isn’t easy for me either." Her voice, low and steady, the voice that had once led him back from hell....The room tilted. He clung to the tether of her voice.
This quote appears in Chapter 26 as Kaz attempts to overcome his repulsion at touching other people in order to help Inej with her bandages. Kaz struggles to retain his grip on the present reality, rather than sinking back into the traumatic memory of using his brother’s body to stay alive. Jordie’s body allowed Kaz to swim back to shore, but the repercussions of this experience continue to threaten him with the overwhelming sensation of drowning. When he feels human touch, he loses his connections to others and becomes entirely immersed in this former experience. In this instance, the thing that saves him from metaphorically drowning in the past is Inej’s ability to relate her own experience of shame to his. The use of the word “tether” brings to mind Inej on the high wire, evoking Kaz’s attempt at a feat that requires great strength. Because Inej sees and values Kaz’s entire self, the good qualities as well the bad, he is able to grab the lifeline her voice offers and remain with her.
