Henry IV Part 2

by: William Shakespeare

Original Text

Modern Text

MISTRESS QUICKLY

No, nor I neither. I’ll be at your elbow.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

Me neither. I’ll be right next to you.

FANG

An I but fist him once, an he come but within my view—

FANG

If I can grab him once, if he just comes within my grasp–

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I am undone by his going. I warrant you, he’s an infinitive
thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him sure.
20Good Master Snare, let him not ’scape. He comes
continuantly to Pie Corner, saving your manhoods, to buy a
saddle, and he is indited to dinner to the Lubber’s Head in
Lumbert Street, to Master Smooth’s the silkman. I pray you,
since my exion is entered, and my case so openly known to
25the world, let him be brought in to his answer. A hundred
mark is a long one for a poor lone woman to bear, and I have
borne, and borne, and borne, and have been fubbed off, and
fubbed off, and fubbed off from this day to that day, that it
is a shame to be thought on. There is no honesty in such
30dealing, unless a woman should be made an ass and a beast
to bear every knave’s wrong. Yonder he comes, and that
errant malmsey-nose knave, Bardolph, with him. Do your
offices, do your offices, Master Fang and Master Snare, do
me, do me, do me your offices.

MISTRESS QUICKLY

I’m

bankrupt

i.e., “he’s run up a bill as big as infinity.” Mistress Quickly has a tendency to comically mangle her phrases.

bankrupt
from his never paying. He’s run up an infinitive bill with me. Catch him, Master Fang! Don’t let him get away, Master Snare! He’s always going to

Pie Corner

Pie Corner was a market known for cook’s shops, horses, and sex. “Saddle” is a pun on female genitalia.

Pie Corner
—sorry to mention it—to buy a saddle. And every day he gets

indited

indited = invited

indited
to lunch with Master Smooth the silk seller, at the Leopard’s Head on Lumbert Street. Please bring him to justice. I’ve been entered—I mean, my lawsuit’s been entered at court, and the whole world knows how easy I am—I mean how easy it was for him to rip me off. A hundred

marks

mark = unit of currency

marks
is a lot for a poor, solitary woman to take. And I’ve taken it, and taken it, and taken it. And I’ve been fobbed off and fobbed off and fobbed off, day in and day out. It’s horrible to even think about. That’s a terrible way to treat people, unless you think that every woman should be made an ass and an animal, and that she should be opened to every jerk’s molestation. Here he comes, with that notorious wine-faced crook, Bardolph. Do me a favor and do me your jobs, Master Fang and Master Snare. Do me! Do me! Do me a favor and do me your jobs!
Enter FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, and PAGE
FALSTAFF, his PAGE, and BARDOLPH enter.

FALSTAFF

35How now! Whose mare’s dead? What’s the matter?

FALSTAFF

What’s going on? Whose horse died? What’s the matter?

FANG

Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

FANG

Sir John, you’re under arrest for charges brought by Mistress Quickly.