Hey Sparklers, I'm your new... weekly blogger? Mildly funny article-writer? Best friend/hero? Never mind, I don't know what I am. I'll just get right into it. You probably don't know me. Which is pretty much the point, but I'll give you a bit to go on to make this a little less awkward, and still keep my secret identity safe.
-I'm probably going to be an astronaut when I grow up. Or a maybe a dinosaur...
-I graduate high school in two weeks!
-If I flex my calf, I turn into a werewolf. (No joke.)
-I may have bribed Chelsea Dagger with a Mountain Dew to get her to let me write this.
-I have read the entire Twilight series, just so I know what I'm talking about when I make fun of it. Dan Bergstein, I don't know how you do it.
-I have two uvulas.
-That wasn't dirty—a uvula is that thing that dangles at the back of your throat. And I have two. All the better to eat you with, my dear!
-I know the difference between it's and its.
-I put my pants on two legs at a time.
-I work more hours a week than is legal for a student.
-I might major in music, art, art history, history, or physics. Or sociology. Forget it—I have no idea. They always want more girls in math and science, don't they? Wait... I hate math.... I'll work on it.
-Unfortunately, I am out of toothpaste. You probably don't need to know that, but I think my parents are reading, and I always forget to tell them.
-I am going to My College of Choice! (1up!)
-Did you know that Stephanie Meyer uses the word “eyes” more times than there are pages in Twilight in order to describe her characters' current emotion? Disgraceful.
-I have a massive box of 120 Crayola crayons that includes the colors “Atomic Tangerine,” “Unmellow Yellow,” “Manatee,” and “Inch Worm.”
-I love Led Zeppelin! And Tchaikovsky, and Muse, and The Who, and Oscar Peterson, and Ok Go, and Pink Floyd, and Ani DiFranco, and the Beastie Boys, and Modest Mouse, and Bach, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers... this list is going to be too long. We might have to have a “Best Music Ever” week...
-My top three favorite websites: SparkNotes.com (of course), XKCD.com, and this bad boy.
-I have red hair.
Before you start making fun of me for lacking a soul and/or being all-around disgusting, may I make a point, please?
I don't really care if people make fun of gingers. I am not insulted, offended, peeved, etc. I liked the infamous, yet absolutely hilarious, South Park episode about redheads. Remember the “Can You Get a Picture with a Random Ginger in the Background” facebook group? My friend was an officer of the group before it was deleted—I think there were like 10 pictures of me in it.
But just as Chuck Norris is probably tired of people asking him if he can divide by zero (I'm pretty sure he can), Gary Coleman is tired of people asking him “Whatcha talkin' bout' Willis!,” and Stephanie Meyer is tired of being a complete laughingstock (LOL jk that will never get old), gingers are growing weary of the teasing. Can't we make fun of another group for a bit—like people who wear leggings as pants? Or what about people who say “libary,” or people who listen to Lifehouse? Surely they deserve a little bit of pain. Once in a while.
—Your Friendly Neighborhood Redhead