"Freshman orientation." Ergh. It's such a perfectly weird mix of excitement and dread, possibility and dread, and this feeling of delicious grown-up-ness and (you guessed it) dread. It's also your first chance to scope new friends, enemies, and crushes, which totally compounds the jittery fizziness. But don't worry—you'll do just fine with all the introductions provided that you AVOIDAVOIDAVOID the following get-to-know-you gambits.
1. Playing guessing games: Under no circumstances should you invite your fellow freshman to guess any of the following:
- How old you were when you stopped wetting your bed. (Bonus points for those who know it's a trick question!)
- The diameter of the biggest spit bubble you ever made.
- Your favorite Renaissance playwright.
- Which of your grandmother's toes is grossest.
- How many mice you can fit in your cheek.
- Anyone's weight.
2. Discussing your "Canadian" boyfriends/girlfriends: It's tempting to elevate your status with the mention of a far-off makeout buddy, but please, for the love of Quebec, please don't. The sad thing is, even if it's totally true, it always rings false. I'm actually one of the few people in history ever to have an honest-to-goodness, non-imaginary high school smooch session with a Canadian, and even I don't believe myself when I talk about it.
3. Referencing/reading your Justin Bieber fanfic aloud: Or really, any fanfic. Or epic poetry. Or graphic novels. Or—did I mention the fanfic? You might want to wait until you know your classmates a little better before breaking out your literary feats, even if they did get that nice comment on the "Battlestar Galactica" subforum.
4. Challenging your classmates to feats of skill: Are you itching for an epic freestyle rap battle? Do you reaaaaaaaly want to show off your mad Krav Maga skills?Are you the reigning competitive eating champ of your town? Sorry, dude. Now's really not the time to throw down.
5. Trying out your stand-up/improv skills: You may be the star of your group, Chimprov, and you may be able to put a heckler down with one mighty zinger. Still, your classmates probably don't want to initiate scenework with you (or hear your punchlines) right now. And they'll probably just look at you like you're crazy when you tell them that you're all not really at orientation—you're actually a group of monkey astronauts on the moon!
6. Giving yourself the new nickname you always wanted: "Hi, I'm Rachel Korowitz, but everyone calls me 'Snake FangSatan.'" No, teenage Rachel. No, they don't.
Have you ever embarrassed yourself at an orientation?
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