Geeraff puts her Oreos in the microwave. What else do you really need to know?? —Sparkitors
All right, here we go. Should I do introductions here? Is there where I... should I ask... how do I... never mind. Let’s start over.
Hello! I’m sorry, that was loud. Hello. I am Geeraff, and I have a unique predicament. I am on... (cue triumphant trumpet fanfares) a boy hunt! That’s right folks, a boy hunt. Ever since birth, I have been unconditionally shy. In fact, my high school voted me the shyest girl at the end of senior year. (By the way, that just means “most popular quiet person.” Right? Right!) But now that I’ve reached college, I think it’s time that I strap on my safety helmet, duct tape a few fluffy pillows to my body, and catapult myself out of my comfort zone. This year, I’m going to... (thunder crash and scary yet very cool strike of lightening) TALK TO BOYS.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have talked to boys before. In fact, I even had a boyfriend in high school. But now that I’ve moved to a completely new place with boatloads of people I’ve never met, somehow I've found myself comfortable with just a few close friends. (Female friends, in case anyone needed that clarification.) And somehow, I’ve completely lost the ability to even be within listening distance of a cute boy and not bring up the endearing topic of amputations, and whether or not I could function in society if I didn’t have any toes. Folks, I wouldn’t tell you this if it weren’t true. But I’ve decided to change this status, both for my own confidence and the sure-as-rain-embarrassing-events-that-are-undoubtedly-coming-to-sneak-up-on-me-and-provide-entertainment-for-my-friends-and-the-Sparklers-keeping-score-at-home. Emphasis on the “sneak.”
Now, I bet you would like to know more about me, right? Excellent. Well... I, um... wait a second, I... (Geeraff looks around the room)... I’m scared of frogs. And escalators. Not to mention revolving doors! (Malls kind of pose some challenges...) I’m a huge book nerd, I microwave my Oreos, I’m totally in love with Ron Weasley, and I’ve been rated A for Awkward. Is that enough? Good. Moving on.
When I excitedly ran to my friends to tell them about the possibility of my boy hunt being a source of entertainment on the internet, they were very supportive and helpful... after the laughing and the head shaking stopped. So why not ask them what they think will be my biggest obstacles?
The following is a transcript of an actual conversation with one of my closest friends.
Me: Describe my attractive qualities.
Friend: Oh dear. Where do I start? (Long period of silence.) Unending source of entertainment. And you can laugh at yourself! Childlike innocence... I’m not sure that’s attractive...
Me: Moving on! What do you think my biggest problems are going to be in this endeavor?
Friend: Overcoming your shyness to actually talk to a guy. Not being awkward (said with a weird face) if that’s even possible...
After that, I decided to visit my other close friend and ask what her thoughts were on my love life. I found her on the phone with her male friend. The following is a summary of our conversation.
Me: Hey, friend, do you have any constructive criticism for my dating game?
Friend: I’m on the phone. Can we do this later?
Me: Nope. Ask your friend. He’s a boy.
Friend: Um... he says he doesn’t know you...
Awkward interviews aside, let’s get down to business. (To defeat.) (THE HUNS!) (Sorry.) Here’s how the boy hunt is going to work. The HUNTER (aka me) has to learn to approach this alien species while taking new steps every week. (I think that will give me enough time to actually see each boy.) Oh right! I forgot the boys... the hunted... the TARGETS. And, conveniently, I’ve given them all nicknames.
First up is Benedict Arnold. Tall, cool, and trendy, this boy has already had the pleasure of being in a delightful conversation with our hunter, in which she responded to his question, “Why weren’t you playing ultimate frisbee?” with a resounding “I’m athletically challenged.” Effectively ending conversation. He then told everyone watching the next ultimate frisbee game that Geeraff had volunteered to play, when in fact she didn’t, earning him his traitorous nickname. Other than that, he seems very nice.
Next up to bat is Spider Man. Muscly, friendly, and a naturally nice guy, he has quickly become one of those people you always see around, which is a good opportunity for smiling and waving and such. He has already spoken to Geeraff, and carried on a lovely thirty second conversation about birthdays and spiders.
Last, but most certainly not least, is Hodgins. He earned his name simply by being adorable enough to look like Hodgins from Bones. Although Geeraff has never had the pleasure of having a conversation with this bachelor, he is the main target. Nice, shy, and punny, he seems the perfect fit for our hunter. Easy as pie! Right? Wrong. This boy has the uncanny ability to make Geeraff say stupid things just by walking in the room. He has heard her argue that she is not a 12-year-old, comment on the color of her friend’s brother’s room, and of course, he was the cause of the amputation incident.
My first challenge that I’ve given myself is to give each of these wonderful boys a smile. And not just a casual, I’m-sorry-I-almost-ran-into-you smile. I’m talking a meaningful, look-you-in-the-eyes-to-your-soul-because-I-like-you smile. This sounds easy, but I’m already terrified. In fact, I’m going to go practice not looking creepy in the mirror.
There you have it. The hunter, the targets, and the game. What do I say to this challenge before me? One thing: bring it on.
BRING IT ON INDEED! We're already in love with Geeraff—how about you?
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