How to Pretend You Like Hipster Music
There are a few benefits to going to one of the most hipster colleges in the country (we're acknowledged as being hipster by everyone but the students). I can wear whatever I happen to find at the local Goodwill. I'm the only one who enjoys the food, which is generally heavy on red meat and non-vegan products. I endure constant criticism regarding my choice of music. Oh, wait. That last one wasn't a benefit at all.
Over the years (yes, it's taken me that long), I've figured out how to field the barrage of attacks on my non-hipster taste in music. People have generally heard of the bands I listen to, and apparently, that's a bad thing. So if you ever find yourself in the unfortunate position of being in a group hipsters without an easy way out (or a flamethrower), here are a few tips.
1. Don't talk about Radiohead.
2. Don't talk about Radiohead.
3. Seriously, everyone seems to have very... passionate opinions about Radiohead. Personally, I can't stand them. But I mentioned that once in a crowd of hipsters, and only remained friends with one of them. (Perhaps correlation implies causation in this case.)
4. Get them arguing amongst each other as a distraction. The best way to do this? Genres. For whatever reason, people feel the need to categorize everything and then debate the merits of each category. So get them into the pros and cons of trip-hop vs. acid house. At the very least, it will be entertaining.
5. Pandora is your friend.
6. Stay non-controversial. Pretty much everyone likes The Strokes and The Pixies. Anyone worth living, anyway. (Kidding... )
7. If you get in a jam, start mourning that The Strokes' latest album wasn't as great as you thought it'd be. This complaint actually applies to pretty much every band ever. No album will ever live up to earlier work. This is because the band sold out. Proven fact.
8. Play to your strengths. If know everything there is to know about Mendelssohn, then go for it.
9. If you don't care about sounding like a complete toolbox, say you listened to a band before it was popular. Nobody can prove you wrong. Warning: you'll have to live with yourself afterwards.
10. Make up band names. It's fun! And risky. But it pays off. I'll show you. “Groove Armada,” “Ulrich Schnauss,” and “The Sound Defects”: which one is the real band? Answer: It doesn't matter*. Because in the time it takes a hipster to solve your riddle, you can mumble something about having to go to the bathroom, and proceed to sprint out of the room.
11. Stay true to your values. I will never EVER give up my love for Guns N' Roses. “Sweet Child O' Mine” has forever burned its way into my heart. That doesn't mean I have to announce my love to roomfuls of people who only listen to music more than a year old ironically.
*They're all real bands. That I don't particularly enjoy. People are weird.
Ginger's Song of the Week: It also helps to have an arsenal stocked with a few random songs that nobody has heard of. Don't say I never gave you anything.