If you’re heading off to college, one thing’s probably weighing on your mind like a ton of gold bricks, because that’s about what they cost: textbooks. TEXTBOOKS. I’m shouting it at you because Dumbledore says fear of the name increases fear of the thing itself, so let’s not give them any more power than they already have. Can we all just agree that textbooks are the absolute worst? They cost an arm and a leg, plus a blood sacrifice and also your soul if you want to purchase one that doesn’t have inappropriate doodles all over important paragraphs. In fact, if you were to forgo that whole college thing and spend your money on other things, you could probably buy...
1. All the diamonds in the entire world.
2. The Internet.
3. A diamond-encrusted GameBoy, so you can showcase this finery while battling Pokemon.
4. A copy of the Emancipation Proclamation.
5. John Lennon’s tooth, although you’ll have to duke it out with the guy who owns it right now, because he’s planning to clone and I’m completely serious about this.
6. A zoo.
7. All of the zoos.
8. A star. You can name yours whatever you like, but I’ll be naming mine Zac Efron. (That’ll get his attention, right? Right?)
9. A pony.
10. A slightly larger pony.
11. A pony friend for the pony.
12. A human friend for you.
13. A human friend for that human friend.
14. Another couple of humans (so you can throw a PARTY).
15. A party venue that allows animals so both ponies and humans can coexist and twerk in perfect harmony.
16. The power and authority to eliminate twerking once and for all.
17. A party venue that has both a) a view of the ocean, as well as b) enough room for like twelve bounce houses.
18. Twelve bounce houses.
19. Bribe money, so you can pay the right people to let this whole shindig go down without any sort of permit, because there will be bounce houses and ponies and fire jugglers. Did I mention the fire jugglers?
20. One Direction. All five of them. They’ll be performing while riding ponies, but I think that goes without saying.
21. Costco’s entire supply of Nutella.
22. The power and influence to win the Game of Thrones.
23. A toilet made of gold.
24. A pearl necklace that you can alternatively use as a weapon, if you're under attack, or a lasso, if you need to see a man about a horse.
25. A crocodile skin umbrella.
26. The world's most expensive hot dog, which cost $1,501 and was cooked by a man named Hot Dog Mike.
27. Tickets to the opera.
28. Those tiny binoculars people always bring to the opera.
29. A cupcake car and coordinating cupcake hat.
30. A 110-pound chocolate egg that literally took three days to build.
31. Your own country, because why not?
32. The actual flying carpet used in Aladdin.
33. A doorman for your house.
34. Margaret Thatcher’s power suit.
35. A small fleet of really nice cars.
36. A slice of toast that Prince Charles didn’t eat on his wedding day. (Or, in other words, a slice of toast.)
37. More cookies than you can feasibly consume, so you can finally build that cookie castle.
38. A vampire-slaying kit from the nineteenth century, because we all know about the vampire population crisis of the nineteenth century.
39. Golden leggings, so you can rub elbows with the likes of Beyoncé.
40. A submarine that looks like a killer whale. I don't have a link for that, I just want one.
41. A robot.
42. Cufflinks, because now that you're rolling in the dough you're going to have to accept your new fancypants persona.
43. Impressionist art. See above.
44. Bodyguards that will enter every establishment before you and mutter into their earpieces, "All clear."
45. First-class airline seats for the rest of your natural life. It's like calling shotgun forever.
46. A Lite-Bright of The Last Supper.
47. A monocle.
48. Countless replacement monocles, because you're going to lose that one.
49. Monogrammed argyle socks.
50. An Invisibility Cloak, which you're going to need after the inevitable conversation with your mom in which she says, "You spent your textbook money on WHAT?" Good luck with that. But maybe you can win her over once she sees the opera tickets, pearl necklace lassos, and vehicular pastries that you've amassed with the money that would've otherwise been wasted on a higher education. I mean, once you say it like that, it sounds downright reasonable.
What would you buy if you didn't have to spend your life savings on textbooks?