Clear and Concise Writing
Mastering the concepts already presented ensures that
you will be able to recognize the great majority of the errors in
Sentence Error ID, Sentence Improvement, and Paragraph
Improvement items. However, Paragraph Improvement will also test
your ability to recognize writing that is not as consistent, logical,
or succinct as it could be. Primarily, you’ll be directed to the
connections between clauses, sentences, and paragraphs.
Let’s demonstrate this higher-order level of error recognition
and correction with a concrete example. Read the following poorly
written paragraph. Keep in mind that this exercise is much harder
than what the SAT Writing section actually tests.
Virgil’s patron while
he wrote the Aeneid was Maecenas, a powerful minister
and friend for Augustus, the all-powerful first emperor of Rome.
The poet Virgil wrote beautiful, gorgeous Latin verse for all to see
in the classic epic poem the Aeneid nineteen years
before Christ was born. One of Maecenas’s roles was to commission
the production of works of art that would accrue glory to Augustus
for purposes of |
justifying his new
power. In the Aeneid, the fact that Virgil found
in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey a
foundation myth that connected Rome to Troy shows that the question
as to whether Augustus based his political power on partly culturally
recognizable myths is not wholly untrue. Connected the Julio-Claudian
family into which Augustus had been adopted by Julius Caesar to
Aeneas, son of the goddess Venus, who had escaped from burning Troy
carrying his father on his back. Virgil follows Aeneas from Troy
through his wanderings in the Mediterranean, to Carthage, and finally
to Rome, where he founds a colony that eventually becomes Rome.
While at Carthage, Aeneas falls in love with Queen Dido, but leaves
her to found the people from which in spite of the fact of that
love affair will spring the army that will raze Queen Dido’s city
to the ground some time later. |
This paragraph needs some serious work. We’re
going to fix it line by line.
(1) Virgil’s patron
while he wrote the Aeneid was Maecenas, a powerful
minister and friend for Augustus, the all-powerful first emperor
of Rome. |
The above is not a lead sentence and starts the paragraph
off in the middle—a typical Paragraph Improvement error.
Before finding a better home for this sentence, let’s
fix some redundancies. Note that powerful repeats.
The adjective is applied to two different people, but we can do
better. Also, if you’re an emperor of Rome, aren’t you already all-powerful?
Finally, a powerful minister and friend for Augustus is
awkward. Here’s a fix:
During the Aeneid’s
composition, Virgil’s patron was Maecenas. As the trusted ally of
Augustus, first emperor of Rome, Maecenas wielded great power on
his friend’s behalf.
(2) The poet Virgil wrote beautiful, gorgeous
Latin verse for all to see in the classic epic poem the Aeneid nineteen
years before Christ was born. |
This is our topic sentence and should come first. For
now, note again the redundancy of beautiful, gorgeous;
of poet, verse, and poem;
and of nineteen years before Christ was born. Also
note the unnecessary phrase, for all to see. Here’s
a rewrite:
In 19 B.C., the Roman
poet Virgil wrote some of the most beautiful Latin verse in his
classic epic the Aeneid. |
(3) One of Maecenas’s
roles was to commission the production of works of art that would
accrue glory to Augustus for purposes of justifying his new power. |
We can trim a lot of fat here. Don’t ever allow any word
to slack off. If a word isn’t carrying its share of meaning, omit
it. Commission, in this sense, means “order to
be made,” so production is redundant. Works
of art can be cut down to simply art.
The phrase that would accrue glory to might sound
like highfalutin prose, but it’s really just flab. And for
purposes of should be avoided at all costs. Here’s one
possible rewrite:
One of Maecenas’s roles
was to commission art that would glorify Augustus’s new regime. |
(4) In the Aeneid,
the fact that Virgil found in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey a
foundation myth that connected Rome to Troy shows that the question
as to whether Augustus based his political power on partly culturally
recognizable myths is not wholly untrue. |
First, phrases such as the fact that and the
question as to whether should be avoided. Second, note
the echo of found and foundation.
Third, the adverb partly is misplaced. Fourth, based
on is often used in a vague manner; surely there is another
more forceful and specific verb we could use. Fifth, a culture cannot
recognize a myth, so this too can be clarified. Sixth, this sentence
implies, but doesn’t make explicit, that Virgil’s epic followed
a propagandistic program that originated with Augustus but was executed
by Maecenas. Finally, not wholly untrue introduces
a logical problem that is best to cut. Note how not wholly
untrue doesn’t logically follow from the question
as to whether. Can a question be found to be not wholly
untrue? Avoid negative statements; they tend to
be wordy and logically confusing. Here’s one way to fix this sentence:
By appropriating material
in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey,
Maecenas’s protégé constructed a foundation myth that traced Rome’s
origins to Troy. By aligning the emperor’s new regime with a venerable
and widely familiar myth, the Aeneid demonstrates
one way in which Maecenas’s commissions legitimized Augustus’s power. |
(5) Connected the Julio-Claudian
family into which Augustus had been adopted by Julius Caesar to
Aeneas, son of the goddess Venus, who had escaped from burning Troy
carrying his father on his back. |
This sentence, despite its length, is a fragment—there’s
no connection. Where’s the subject? Furthermore, several potentially
unfamiliar proper names are crammed into the sentence. Also, the
tenses used are unnecessarily complex, which leads to chronological
confusion. Examples of unnecessary information include Julius Caesar’s
adoption of Augustus and that Aeneas escaped
from burning Troy carrying his father on his back. The
technical name for Augustus’s family (Julio-Claudian)
is not critical either. Finally, this sentence fails to build upon
the previous sentence in a crucial manner. It fails to present the
genealogical connection between Augustus and Aeneas as a specific,
legitimizing advantage of Virgil’s more general genealogical connection
between the people of Rome and Troy. Let’s rewrite with these points
in mind:
Moreover, Virgil specifically
traced Augustus’s lineage not only to the Trojan prince Aeneas but
also to Aeneas’s mother, the goddess Venus. Thus, Virgil granted
Augustus kinship not only with a great sovereign of a venerable
race but also with the gods themselves. |
(6) Virgil follows
Aeneas from Troy through his wanderings in the Mediterranean, to
Carthage, and finally to Rome, where he founds a colony that eventually
becomes Rome. (7) While at Carthage, Aeneas falls
in love with Queen Dido, but leaves her to found the people from which
in spite of the fact of that love affair will spring the army that will
raze Queen Dido’s city to the ground sometime later. |
First, sentence 6 would be best used earlier in the paragraph,
as it provides important information about the Aeneid’s
plot that readers need in order to appreciate the main point of
the paragraph: the epic’s political value. However, it’s not as
concise as it could be. For example, Rome is mentioned
twice. Also, Virgil doesn’t follow Aeneas, his
readers do. As the writer, Virgil is in control.
Virgil leads Aeneas from
Troy across the Mediterranean to Carthage and finally to Italy,
where he founds a colony that will eventually become Rome. |
Second, given that the political value of the Aeneid is
the paragraph’s main point, we do not need to mention that Aeneas,
progenitor of Rome, hooked up with Dido, ancestor of Carthage, an
enemy Rome ultimately vanquished. The irony is not worth going off-topic
for. Cut sentence 7 altogether, because it is riddled with redundancies
(the fact . . . that; raze . . . to the
ground), overly complex structure (from which in
spite of), unclear chronology (sometime later),
and vague identification of characters (we’re not explicitly told
that Dido was queen of Carthage).
Let’s decide where to insert sentence 6 in the rewritten
paragraph assembled below:
In 19 B.C., the Roman
poet Virgil wrote some of the most beautiful Latin verse in his
classic epic the Aeneid. During
the Aeneid’s composition,
Virgil’s patron was Maecenas. As the trusted ally of Augustus, first
emperor of Rome, Maecenas wielded great power on his friend’s behalf.
One of Maecenas’s roles was to commission art that would glorify
Augustus’s new regime. By appropriating material in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey,
Maecenas’s protégé constructed a foundation myth that traced Rome’s
origins to Troy. By aligning the emperor’s new regime with a venerable
and widely familiar myth, the Aeneid demonstrates
one way in which Maecenas’s commissions legitimized Augustus’s power.
Moreover, Virgil specifically traced Augustus’s lineage not only
to the Trojan prince Aeneas but also to Aeneas’s mother, the goddess
Venus. Thus, Virgil granted Augustus kinship not only with a great
sovereign of a venerable race but also with the gods themselves. |
With a few minor adjustments (highlighted below by plain
text and strikethroughs), the rewrite
of sentence 6 would do nicely as the second sentence of this paragraph:
In 19 B.C., the Roman
poet Virgil wrote some of the most beautiful Latin verse in his
classic epic the Aeneid. In
that epic, a sequel to Homer’s earlier Iliad and Odyssey, Virgil
leads the Trojan prince Aeneas from Troy his besieged
native city across the Mediterranean to Carthage and finally to
Italy, where he founds a colony that will eventually become Rome.
During the Aeneid’s composition, Virgil’s
patron was Maecenas. As the trusted ally of Augustus, first emperor
of Rome, Maecenas wielded great power on his friend’s behalf. One
of Maecenas’s roles was to commission art that would glorify Augustus’s
new regime. By appropriating material in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, |
Maecenas’s protégé constructed
a foundation myth that traced Rome’s origins to Troy. By aligning
the emperor’s new regime with a venerable and widely familiar myth,
the Aeneid demonstrates
one way in which Maecenas’s commissions legitimized Augustus’s power.
Moreover, Virgil specifically traced Augustus’s lineage not only
to the Trojan prince Aeneas
but also to Aeneas’s mother, the goddess Venus. Thus, Virgil granted
Augustus kinship not only with a great sovereign of a venerable
race but also with the gods themselves. |
And the final, rewritten paragraph . . .
In 19 B.C., the Roman
poet Virgil wrote some of the most beautiful Latin verse in his
classic epic the Aeneid.
In that epic, a sequel to Homer’s earlier Iliad and Odyssey,
Virgil leads the Trojan prince Aeneas from his besieged native city across
the Mediterranean to Carthage and finally to Italy, where he founds
a colony that will eventually become Rome. During the Aeneid’s
composition, Virgil’s patron was Maecenas. As the trusted ally of
Augustus, first emperor of Rome, Maecenas wielded great power on
his friend’s behalf. One of Maecenas’s roles was to commission art
that would glorify Augustus’s new regime. By appropriating material
in Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey,
Maecenas’s protégé constructed a foundation myth that traced Rome’s
origins to Troy. By aligning the emperor’s new regime with a venerable
and widely familiar myth, the Aeneid demonstrates
one way in which Maecenas’s commissions legitimized Augustus’s power.
Moreover, Virgil specifically traced Augustus’s lineage not only
to Aeneas but also to Aeneas’s mother, the goddess Venus. Thus,
Virgil granted Augustus kinship not only with a great sovereign
of a venerable race but also with the gods themselves. |
In an actual Paragraph Improvement set, as you will see,
the task of revision is made considerably easier because the items
are multiple choice. Rather than provide a revision, you’ll only
need to recognize both an error and its correction. Furthermore,
when you write your essay, your main goal will be to prevent writing
an essay as convoluted and error-ridden as the original version
of the Aeneid essay.
It’s time to learn the most efficient way to use your
knowledge on testlike items and sets. We’ll treat each of the item
types separately. Let’s begin with Sentence Error ID.
