Let’s Unpack the Brand-New Fantastic Beasts Trailer!

July 25, 2016July 26, 2016 by Elodie

Over the weekend, Eddie Redmayne attended San Diego Comic-Con and gave out free wands to 6,500 people who were not me. Also of note is that Warner Bros debuted a brand-new Fantastic Beasts trailer at the very same panel where Eddie passed out free merch to a gaggle of tragically not-me hooligans. The trailer this time features some light nihilism, a duel in Times Square, and Newt Scamander playing high-stakes Pokemon GO with a veritable slew of magical creatures around NYC! Give it a watch:

Now, this trailer is news of the EGADS variety because although we’ve been getting teasers for months, we haven’t actually seen that many fantastic beasts. With this one, however, it feels like we’re finally—finally—up to our ginger coiffures in CGI ghost dragons. LET’S UNPACK.

Creature #1: whatever had the audacity to tear up this Manhattan avenue right in front of Colin Farrell’s slicked-back tresses.

Next up is this sad albino monkey. It’s known as a Demiguise, and it is without a doubt the cutest and most perturbed-looking ape I’ve ever seen in my brief, largely monkey-less life.

I don’t have a clue what this is, nor could I get a good shot of it because it’s wily and clearly some sort of sky demon. I simply want to appreciate the scene that it just rolled up on, because it looks to me like Newt and Tina were about two seconds away from making out in the midst of a Muggle massacre.

Here we’ve got one of Kreacher’s ancestors (probably). As we all remember from that whole kerfuffle with Winky in Goblet of Fire, non-human creatures are not permitted to use or even hold a wand. Are the laws different in wizard!America?

We’ve ever only encountered male goblins, but now we’ve got our first lady goblin. She’s hanging out in a smoky underground speakeasy, as you do. The guy goblin looks like he’s going to make me an offer I can’t refuse.

People are speculating that this is an Occamy, which is a two-legged, scaly, bird-looking snake creature of the genus “nightmares.”

A wild Thunderbird appears, and it’s 10/10 majestic.

Exhaustive Googling tells me that this is a Billywig. It is the wasp of the wizarding world. Unlike the wasp, its sting causes giddiness and levitation. If this was the way of the wasp, I just think Muggle life would be a little more interesting.

Finally, I would like to discuss the fluffy ginger creature perched atop Newt Scamander, also known as his hair. I can’t be sure of this, but I believe it’s made with gossamer and sunrises, and will one day subsume his entire head.

Can we also discuss Queenie for just a hot minute? Her sultry “You’ve brought men home!” makes it sound like she is going to capture them and feed on their essence, which I am most assuredly about.

Final verdict: the trailer delivers on multiple fronts. It’s got magical creatures, property damage so extensive it would make even the Avengers flinch, and possibly the answer to the question “Can Muggles do Side-Along Apparition?” (I think this is why Newt gives Jacob a helmet and tells him his head is susceptible to explosions. I could be wrong.)

But what it doesn’t have is Ezra Miller, who is in the cast but seems to be invisible like so many cloaked Hogwarts troublemakers. Am I missing him? Impossible. I never miss Ezra Miller in anything, ever. Is he definitely in this movie? I’m not sure. I guess we’ll just have to wait until November 18th to find out.