Auntie SparkNotes: I Love My Best Friend and I Can’t Get Over Her

Dear Auntie,

Starting with the good news: I’m in love for the first time! With one of my close friends—a funny, kind, brave, beautiful girl, who earlier this year, came out to me as bi and admitted that she had feelings for me. The bad news: after a few really perfect days, she told me that she had realized that she couldn’t come out to her homophobic family who she’s very close with, and so she couldn’t be with me. This was four months ago.

Maybe that should have been the end of it, but it wasn’t. We both agreed that our friendship was the most important thing and we didn’t want anything to change, so we kept seeing each other every day, spending hours together, and she’s even stayed overnight in my (tiny college twin-size) bed with me. Twice after we stopped seeing each other, we got a little physical (once she initiated it, once I did and I still feel guilty about it). We got into one bad fight about two months ago, after she hooked up with other people and I told her that I needed to be around her less—for one week we didn’t see each other at all, and then we agreed that it was too difficult and haven’t mentioned it or tried anything like it since. Recently, we sexted for several hours, and while the sexual stuff would have been bad enough, it got somewhat romantic as well. I know that she still has feelings for me, but she isn’t as verbal about them and I don’t know how strong they are and that also drives me crazy wondering if she’s moved on yet.

I have been on a complete emotional rollercoaster for the past four months and I’m not sure how to get off of it. Whenever I get to see her or spend time with her, it’s about the best feeling in the world—it feels safe and comfortable and she makes me laugh and just feel so happy. But then there are the evenings where I’m crying my eyes out and absolutely miserable because the reality of the situation hits me, and there have been far too many of those evenings recently. Almost all of my friends are telling me that this relationship is bad for me, that I’m overly invested in something that will never go anywhere, and that the best thing to do is limit contact with her. This would be hard enough because we’re in classes and clubs together and I see her almost every day through those activities, but I also don’t want to do this—regardless of anything else, she’s one of my best friends and she’s graduating at the end of this year and I don’t want to lose time with her.

I guess my question is how can I move on from a broken heart when I still see the person frequently and know that my feelings are reciprocated? I don’t want to waste time waiting for a relationship that’s never going to happen and I don’t want to destroy one of my favorite friendships because I can’t control my feelings. I haven’t had much luck getting over her so far, but I know that’s what I need to do. How?!

For starters, darling, I’d like you to participate in a little thought experiment. First, I want you to imagine, for just a second, that your broken heart is an actual, physical wound. A deep one, the kind that needs lots of time and rest and care before it can get better.

And then, I want you to imagine that you’re trying to heal that wound by periodically inviting the person who made it to come over to your house, rip out your stitches, and blast the whole bleeding mess with a solution of sea salt and lemon juice for good measure.

Because that’s basically what you’re asking, when you ask how to get over this girl while still seeing her constantly, sleeping with her occasionally, and making yourself available on command for hours-long bouts of sexting whenever her fickle little heart desires it. Not only are you asking the impossible, you’re asking the ridiculous.

And not only is this relationship not good for you, your so-called friend is not being good to you. Yes, it’s sad and unfortunate that she feels she can’t come out to her family, but that doesn’t excuse the way she’s playing with your emotions and messing with your head. She knows how you feel about her, and claims to care about you, yet continues to knowingly and willfully use you in a way that is obviously breaking your heart.

That’s pretty freaking egregious, Sparkler—and man, does it make me wonder about your glowing description of this person as “kind” and “brave.” Her behavior is neither of those things, not by a long shot.

Which should bother you, by the way. Even if your friend’s actions stem from fear and confusion about her sexuality, she’s still being totally cavalier with your heart, and it’s not okay. And if you’re going to get over her—and over this painful moment—you need to drum up at least a little bit of anger at the way she keeps sabotaging your healing process.

Of course, you also need to stop being complicit in that sabotage yourself, too.

A gentle but necessary reality check: That whole spiel about not wanting to distance yourself from this girl because you only have so long before she graduates and you don’t want to miss out on spending time with her? That’s a nice idea, but it’s not the truth. It’s just a canard you’re using to avoid doing the hard, painful, unpleasant work of giving yourself some space. You don’t want to be with her for the sake of maximizing your available remaining time on the same campus; you want to be with her because you want to be with her, and because your current situation, agonizing as it is, at least allows you to feel like that door remains open.

And if your friend were a more mature, considerate, emotionally healthy person, she would realize this, and—for the sake of your well-being—take a step back and close that door herself. But since she’s evidently not going to do that, it’ll have to be you. You’re going to have to be brave enough to break your own heart, to cut cleanly through every last little quivering string of hope that still binds you romantically, and to go tend your wounds in a safe, quiet place where she can’t pick at them (or tempt you to.)

Is this hard? Damn straight. It is hard, and it is going to hurt. I’m sorry. Sometimes, the only way through to a better place is to accept that hurting is part of the deal, to put your head down, and bear it.

That’s the bad news: It’s going to feel worse before it feels better. The good news is, you can bear it, and it will feel better. And after you’ve given yourself the time you need to heal, once your heartbreak has gone from being a fresh cut to an old scar, maybe you’ll even find that the two of you can resume your friendship. Stranger things have happened. But first, you have to summon the courage and dignity to let go.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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