Auntie SparkNotes: Is This Friendship Over?

Dear Auntie,

One of my closest friends, Harper, and I are in a bit of a weird place. We’ve been close friends since we were 11 and are now 21. I recently realized, though, that almost our entire  friendship has been based on commiserating about our romantic situations and embarking on adventures aimed at finding love. We were there for each other during every hopeless crush and bad boyfriend and dismal date.

However, since college started, there have been major changes in our dynamic because: 1) we went to colleges in different states, and 2) we both found really awesome, loving, supportive boyfriends. So while our love lives are now great, I’ve realized that Harper and I have hardly anything to talk about. We see each other on breaks but we only discuss the past and when we try to talk about how we’re happy, the conversation seems to dry up. And whenever I bring up other topics (like societal issues, or our respective families, or college) the conversation rapidly tapers.

Today I finally brought up the awkwardness and asked Harper what she thought of our situation. She said she understood completely but our conversation sort of devolved into a philosophical debate about the meaning of friendship. Finally I suggested that over spring break (or whenever) we do something new and fun and unrelated to boys—like taking a road trip or visiting another city. But Harper said that while she thought my ideas sounded fun, they were impractical because her mom wants her to be home over breaks. And honestly that sounded a little strange to me, because Harper often travels out of the country during school breaks (with her choir, swim team, youth group etc), and her mom doesn’t mind.

And I have a weird feeling that our friendship is over, which is really sad to me because Harper has been one of my dearest friends and we’ve had so much fun together.

Do you have any advice?

Actually, Sparkler, what I have is more like a question. Do you want your friendship to be over?

Because look, it is totally okay if the answer is yes. If hanging out with Harper is no longer fun for you, if you feel you no longer enjoy her company, if the years have done their work to erode whatever it was that made you feel bonded to and fond of her; whatever the reason, it’s not wrong to be ready to move on from a friendship that’s just not so great anymore. But here’s why I ask, and why I want you to take a really hard, honest look at whether you’re truly still here for this friendship: It kinda seems like you’re looking for reasons to leave, rather than ways to stay.

Case in point: When your friend negged the idea of weekend road-tripping because her mom wants her home during breaks, your first instinct was to doubt her, look for holes in her reasoning, and conclude that you guys are dunzo as pals, even though that’s hardly the obvious or only way to interpret it. I mean, you said it yourself: your friend spends a lot of time away on breaks, not because she’s a big jetsetter, but because she’s fulfilling her commitments to the various teams and organizations she’s a member of. It’s not a stretch to imagine that a person who has to travel so much, so frequently, would have a family who prefers that she stick around when she can — or for that matter, that she’d rather not spend her leisure time away from home. It doesn’t mean you aren’t friends, or that you can’t find other ways to reinvigorate the relationship.

That is, unless you wanted it to, hence the question about your motives. And if you haven’t thought about that yet, then now would be a good time to take five minutes and sit and take stock of what you really want.

But with that part out of the way, I’ve also gotta tell you: what you’re experiencing now is incredibly typical for two teenage besties who are transitioning to adulthood, and with it, a more adult friendship. All those conversations you used to have with your BFF were superficially about guys, yes, but they were also about growing up; all that time spent bouncing ideas and desires and fantasies off each other was helping you each answer important questions about what you want and who you are. But as you get older, you become more content and more comfortable with yourself and your life — and the more comfortable you are, the less you need to dissect your desires and dreams with another person. (Especially when there’s someone in your daily life, e.g. a boyfriend, who fulfills that need when necessary.)

Which is to say, you don’t necessarily need to feel pressured to fill your companionable silences with small talk when the person you’re talking with is one of your oldest friends — and you also don’t need to take drastic measures to make the friendship feel fresh again. You say you two mostly talk about the past like it’s a bad thing, but did you know that that’s one of the best ways in the world to stay close to someone you’ve known for a long time? Reminiscing about the great times you’ve had doesn’t mean you can’t make new memories together, too, but don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s a sign that something is wrong with your relationship.

And before you give up on finding something else to talk about, I’d like to suggest that you set your bar a little bit lower, and see what you come up with. Maybe you guys don’t have the kind of relationship where you talk a lot about current events, but that doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy discussing the hilarious dumb thing someone’s boyfriend did last month, or comparing notes on your current favorite TV shows, or gossiping about your mutuals (not for nothing, that last thing is one of my own personal favorite topics of convo with my own childhood bestie. She always has the best dirt). And if you want to do something new and different together, it doesn’t have to be a road trip to be worthwhile! Take a day hike, or go see a movie, or spend a Friday night at one of those art bars where everyone paints the same picture.

Give it a try, and see what happens. And hey, if things don’t seem to improve? Write back, and we’ll give it another shot. This is your friendship, not mine, which means that everything I’ve told you is only a guess based on a gut feeling. But since I am guessing, I will admit that my gut says you don’t need to mourn the loss of your bestie just yet — especially if you can accept that your relationship as adults can be rewarding even if it’s not exactly the same.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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