Auntie SparkNotes: I’ve Never Had a Group of Friends

Hey Auntie,

I’m 22 years old, and I’m in my final year in college. I want to say that for me, college has not been that amazing four years where you meet lifelong friends through crazy experiences. I entered college with a difficult major and ended up switching later, but throughout that time, I was struggling to keep up with schoolwork, and I did not have much time to socialize. I’ve always been very socially awkward and have struggled with making friends. While I’ve had friends, I do not remember ever having a decent-sized group of friends that I could count on.

Even now, I’m still struggling to make friends because I’m just socially anxious. I’ve met a few acquaintances, but these usually never become strong friendships. I know people say to join clubs and stuff, which I have been doing, but usually clubs don’t really help in making friends. In a lot of the clubs, we usually just meet up once every one or two weeks where someone is presenting and then most people just leave to hang out with their respective friend groups. Plus, at the moment, I’m not really interested in anything. I don’t have any hobbies, and I’m not even interested in my current major. I don’t even know what I want to do as a career after I graduate.

I feel like I’m just being lazy in everything, school, friendships, career, everything, and I feel like I’m just a failure as a functioning human. I’m feeling pretty hopeless about my future. Are things just even downhill from here? I always hear people say how college is the best four years, and life is downhill from here, and that just scares me, thinking about how I just wasted this window of opportunity where I could have been growing as a person being so depressed and lonely and confused all the time. I know I still have this school year left, but I’m wondering if it’s even possible for me to change. I feel like I’m just doomed to a lifetime of loneliness, considering I’ve always been like this ever since I was a little kid. I always hear people asking questions on how to get a boyfriend or girlfriend. I’m just wonder how to make a new close friend in general.

For starters, Sparkler, let me put your mind at ease: College is not your last opportunity to make close and rewarding friendships. Not only that, but it isn’t even your best opportunity.

And look: Are there people out there who truly believe that college was the best four years of their lives? I mean, yes, probably. But—and I’m just gonna be blunt, here—those people are a bunch of pathetic sad sacks and we should all feel super sorry for them. Life is so long, you know? Most people graduate college with another sixty years of it still ahead of them. And those years contain countless milestones, experiences, and relationships, and so many chances to experience joy, awe, fascination, friendship, excitement, and love in a world that’s a million times bigger than the itty-bitty campus you just left behind. With all that ahead of you, what kind of person could possibly believe that the itty-bitty campus, with its limited sphere of social opportunity, was the best it was ever gonna get?

Answer: A person who is actively committed to being miserable. And you, my friend, are NOT THAT PERSON.

What you are, based on your letter, is a person who needs a different model of friendship than the “roaming pack of young people” that you see in high school and college. It’s true that many college social scenes are made up of people who’ve affiliated into groups based on shared proximity;  with people who are on the same sports team, or share the same major, or lived on their same hall freshman year. Which is great, if that’s a dynamic that works well for you.

But for many people, it takes more to make close friends than just being thrown into a soup for four years with a few hundred kids of similar ages with whom you may or may not have anything in common apart from the name of the college on your windshield sticker. And even if they could manage to get in with one of those big, conspicuous groups who roam campus like a pack of wolves, they wouldn’t enjoy it, because that’s not the kind of relationship they find rewarding. The “big group of friends you can count on” is just one way to socialize, and it’s not the best way for everyone. (Even the people in those social circles don’t “count on” every person in their pack, because the pack contains multitudes of smaller connections: half a dozen acquaintances, one or two intimate friends, and at least one person they don’t like at all but tolerate for the sake of the group dynamic.)

So when you ask if you can change, the answer is both yes and no. As in, no, you aren’t going to suddenly become the sort of socially-at-ease joiner for whom college-style group socializing is such a fabulous success. But the thing is, you don’t have to change who you are as a person to change your life for the better — and your opportunities to do that don’t run out when you graduate. It is always possible to develop new interests, to meet new people, to forge new relationships, and yes, to make new friends.

And with that in mind, here are your next steps:

Join different clubs.
One obvious reason why joining clubs hasn’t worked for you as a means of social engagement is that you’ve somehow managed to join the least socially engaged clubs on earth. I don’t know what kind of group meets only twice a month to sit around and watch people present things, but it’s no surprise that folks aren’t bonding over the experience of just being in a room together every so often. You need a different kind of setting for friendships to spark, one in which everyone is an active participant in working together toward some common goal, whether it’s picking up litter or building robots or being the first-place winners at trivia night at your local pub. But once you’re in that setting, you are virtually guaranteed to connect on a deeper level with at least one of the people you’re working with.

Invest in the friendships you already have; don’t just dwell on the ones you don’t.
One of the most interesting things about your letter is that you have not, in fact, been friendless all your life. You say that you’ve had friends before; you also say that your acquaintanceships at college don’t “usually” spark strong friendships, which suggests that there have been a few unusual cases in which you did get a lasting pal out of the deal. But if you fail to appreciate the ways in which your existing relationships enrich your life, and particularly if you choose to dwell all the time on how you don’t have more or different kinds of friendships, you’re unlikely to hold on to the good things that do come your way, because you’re always looking past them to be dissatisfied. Being present-minded and appreciating the things you’ve got is a difficult skill to learn, but it’s profoundly worthwhile—especially when what you’ve got is a college experience that will be over in less than a year anyway.

And finally, figure out what you like to do.
You’re right about one thing, Sparkler: The less interested and engaged you are in the world in general, the less interested and engaged the world is going to be with you. So, starting now, here is your assignment: Find two things you like to do, things you find naturally interesting and enjoyable, and do them. And when I say “things,” I mean literally anything. If you like to read books, or paint pictures, or watch reality baking shows in the privacy of your room, then do that. If you like to go for walks in the woods or lift heavy things at the gym, do that. Or if there’s something you don’t know how to do right now but would like to be able to—like parkour, or gymnastics, or knitting, or speaking Italian, or doing elaborate makeup—then set aside a few hours a week and start learning how, whether it’s by taking a class or watching YouTube tutorials. (Note: Just make sure that one of your two things is an activity that involves moving your body in some way, even if it means watching reality TV on an exercise bike instead of from your couch.)

Becayse you don’t just sound lonely, sweet pea; you sound bored. And boredom creates a hole in your life that no amount of friendship can fill. Every skill, every interest, every passion you develop is a thread you can follow to connecting with people who you have something in common with, and that’s important, but equally important is how it changes the way you experience the world even when you’re alone.

Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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