Auntie SparkNotes: My Parents Don’t Trust Me Online
Dear Auntie SparkNotes,
I am a high school sophomore girl who has always dealt with overprotective parents (I mean, dating? HAHAHA FORGET IT). But right now I feel like it’s gone a little bit overboard. Both my younger sister and I have agreed that it has. On our computers and iPods (cause no phones are allowed) we have had software that blocks certain sites and stops working after a certain time at curfew and starts again in the morning, but the Wi-Fi would always work and we could communicate through texting and emails, which were always closely monitored. My parents receive ALL of my texts and emails and if I say I don’t like it, then, I get no communication. We also have no social media and it’s always been hard to explain these restrictions to my Instagram-savvy friends who have a million followers on Snapchat.
Usually I could just grin and bear it and hope for some freedom in the future, but recently things have taken a turn for the worse. Now, they have discovered how to control how much our devices connect to the Wi-Fi as well. Now we have the restrictions of 6:45- 7:15 on weekdays (right before school) and 8:00-8:30 (right before curfew). On weekends it’s a little weird, 9:00-9:30 AM and again 12:30-2:00 PM. I find these limits really annoying and unnecessary. I am an all A’s and B’s student at a very hard and prestigious school, I take dance, music, and do extra-curricular sports and school clubs, so it’s not like I can be accused of being antisocial and addicted to my screen. Due to these time limits, our devices hardly work at all. I don’t know how to deal with all the restrictions that my parents put on me, such as the fact that I need to have someone they need to contact with me at all times, but they don’t think I should have a phone, also no media sites such as YouTube, and all the restrictions I described before. I feel like they don’t trust me at all and don’t know how to start.
And I’m not gonna argue with you on that front, Sparkler. As an agony aunt in the digital age, Auntie SparkNotes has certainly heard many a tale about internet-phobic parents — but the restrictions yours have placed on you are seriously extreme. And unless there’s something you’ve failed to mention (like, say, the part where you lost your social media privileges because you were texting pictures of your naked butt to Slenderman, along with your home address and social security number), the way your folks are monitoring your communication is seriously over the top. You’re going to be an adult in two short years, which means that right now is the ideal time for you to be learning to handle more autonomy and responsibility — and a profoundly weird time for your parents to be keeping you on a shorter leash than ever.
So if you’re looking for sympathy and validation, then congrats, you’ve got it. But unfortunately, when it comes to having any practical effect on your internet privileges, my sympathy doesn’t mean a ding-dang thing; it’s what your parents think that matters. Which is why, before you do anything else, you’re going to need to sit down with Mom and Dad for a calm, mature, and hopefully productive discussion about why they’re so strict about your internet use. You can’t reason with them about a new way to do things if you don’t understand the reasoning behind what they’re currently doing. And while you’ll know better than I exactly what words to use (and not to use) when you talk to your folks, this is the gist of the question you’ll ask: If you’ve never given them a reason not to trust you, why do they monitor your texts and emails and limit your internet access as though you can’t be trusted? And what, if anything, would it take to convince them to let you have at least a little bit more privacy, or a little bit more leeway to make your own choices about your life online?
Obviously, your tone here matters a lot; the message you want to convey is not “I hate this,” so much as, “I want to understand this.” And that’ll be hard, because you do hate it. Of course you hate it! And with good reason! But when you’re dealing with a person who, unfairly or not, is endowed with virtually infinite power to impose limitations on your life, a measure of restraint and respect when talking to them is what you’ve gotta go for.
Meanwhile, you’ll want to listen closely to whatever your parents have to say — because whatever their reasons for being so strict, that’s the framework you have to work with when it comes to requesting a little more freedom. (Note: If they can’t answer that “what would it take” question, then you should politely ask them if they’ll think about it and let you know — which is something they should be doing anyway, for what it’s worth.) If they’re worried about you neglecting your studies, maybe your folks would be willing to give you access to your devices and a wifi connection by default, as long as you’ve satisfied certain requirements (e.g. finishing your homework) before you start surfing. If they’re panicked about predators or bullying, maybe they’d stop monitoring your messages if you completed a course in internet safety. (That’s a thing; I checked.) Or maybe they have their own ideas about what it would take to allow you some autonomy — and maybe it’s something obnoxious but worth it for the sake of being able to communicate more freely. The one bright side to your situation is that it would be hard for your folks to restrict your digital movements more than they already have, which means that you have basically nothing to lose by asking how you might earn their trust. So be polite, keep your cool, and see what happens when you approach your parents on their turf and on their own terms. And however things turn out, please do write back to us between the hours of 6:45 and 7:00 AM with an update, ’cause we’re dying to know.
Got something to say? Tell us in the comments! And to get advice from Auntie, email her at advice@sparknotes.com.
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