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I felt that I was being punished for not wanting Jacob more passionately when he had been given to us. I felt that if I had been less ambivalent about having children, this never would have happened.
When Harold and his first wife become pregnant with Jacob, neither are entirely sure if they want to keep the child, and the pregnancy is carried to term mainly due to indecision. Once Jacob becomes sick and dies, Harold believes that Jacob’s death is a consequence for not wanting him more. Harold’s reaction shows that we are all vulnerable to experiencing guilt and self-hatred due to uncontrollable traumas. Like Jude, Harold illogically prescribes the tragic circumstances of his life to “punishments” for his perceived moral failures.
I remembered thinking, as I very rarely thought, what a flimsy thing the law was, so dependent on contingencies, a system of so little comfort, of so little use to those who needed its protections the most.
Harold and Jude have both a made a life out of law, a system which is simultaneously powerful and fragile. While laws are put in place to protect the vulnerable, they do not always have the desired effect. In fact, as Harold and Jude know, the law is often easily exploited to serve the powerful and further oppress the vulnerable. While the law is technically on Jude’s side, it ends up being powerless to save him from the myriad abuses and tragedies he endures during childhood and beyond. Additionally, Jude cannot use the law to save Willem, Malcolm, and Sophie from their unjust deaths—he can only use it after the fact to punish those responsible, which does little to ease his pain.
But he still scared me, because he was the powerful one and I was not: if he killed himself, if he took himself away from me, I knew I would survive, but I knew as well that survival would be a chore.
Harold notes in his first letter to Willem that having a child is an incredibly fearful experience. When he had Jacob, he constantly feared for his life, and when Jacob died, everything he dreaded came to pass. He feels the same fear for his second son, Jude. He is terrified that Jude will kill himself and he will have to go through the awful process of grief again. Harold believes he may lose all joy and purpose in life should he lose Jude. In this sense, Jude holds a great deal of power over Harold, because his decision to kill himself or keep living will also significantly affect the trajectory of Harold’s life.
