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Why wasn’t friendship as good as a relationship? Why wasn’t it even better? It was two people who remained together, day after day, bound not by sex or physical attraction or money or children or property, but only by the shared agreement to keep going, the mutual dedication to a union that could never be codified.
Willem takes his friendships seriously and they are the part of his life he is most proud of. He struggles to maintain his long-term romantic relationships, while he remains loyal to Jude and his other friends throughout his life. Willem seems to get more meaning and happiness out of his friendships than his romances, to the extent that he doesn’t feel the need to settle down with a wife or partner—until, of course, he realizes that his best friend Jude is also his romantic soulmate.
Everything Jude communicated to them indicated that he didn’t want to be helped. And yet he couldn’t accept that. The question was how you ignored someone’s request to be left alone – even if it meant jeopardizing the friendship.
For Willem, being Jude’s friend means constantly weighing whether to help Jude with his myriad unhealthy tendencies or allowing him to continue unchallenged. The main problem is that Jude explicitly does not want to be helped or seen as a burden by his friends, so he not only requests to be left to his own devices but even occasionally threatens an end to his friendships should they attempt to meddle. This balancing act is exhausting for Willem and he often feels guilty for being so hands-off about Jude’s mental health.
The truth was, he didn’t want Idriss to try to diagnose what was wrong with his relationship. He didn’t want to be told how to repair it. He didn’t want to try to make Jude, or himself, do something neither of them wanted to because they were supposed to. Their relationship was, he felt, singular but workable: he didn’t want to be taught otherwise.
When Willem and Jude have built an intimate romantic relationship, and Jude has finally opened up to Willem about his past, Willem realizes that Jude is likely past the point where therapy will help. He knows that Jude’s current state—which is often a happy one but still involves self-harm—is the best they can do. He doesn’t want to be told by his own therapist that there’s something unhealthy about their relationship, and that he should be pushing Jude to do more work on his mental health. Ultimately, Willem wants to meet Jude where he is and enjoy their unique version of love. While their relationship may not be perfect in the eyes of a therapist, Willem and Jude are both happy in it and that is enough for them.
