payment page
Before Palm Sunday, Kambili is singularly focused on conflict avoidance. Her strict religious upbringing and controlling, violent father have boiled her existence down to one basic necessity: to keep her father happy and avoid the physical abuse that follows her failures to please him. Because even a misstep in word choice can have dire consequences, Kambili often finds herself tongue-tied, and she tends to feign coughing or choking to avoid discourse. Though she appears to be shy, Kambili is actually filled with constant debilitating anxiety that prevents her from seeking or maintaining potential friendships. Her obsessive pursuits for academic excellence are also driven by her need to stay safe from her father’s retribution. As a fifteen-year-old girl transitioning into adulthood, Kambili’s personal desires remain undefined and unexplored as she navigates the world driven by the need to satiate her father.
Kambili’s experiences during her visit with Aunty Ifeoma’s family in Nsukka are transformative as she begins to enjoy the freedom of individual expression without her father’s constant dominating presence. Though her cousin Amaka is rude and sometimes spiteful, her challenges allow Kambili to begin to find her voice and to exercise free will, and her ability to backtalk earns Amaka’s camaraderie and respect. Their relationship allows Kambili to entertain romantic feelings for Father Amadi, which is both dangerous in its subversion of her father’s rules but also safe in Father Amadi’s vow of celibacy. As she follows her desire to know him, their relationship creates a space in which Kambili can begin to develop and discover who she is and what she likes. The free discourse in Aunty Ifeoma’s home also gives her a better understanding of the tyranny that exists both within her own home and in the Nigerian government, as well as the stark differences between staunch Christian values and the simple but powerful paradigms of traditional Nigerian pantheism and ancestor worship. Through this new knowledge, Kambili develops a value system that becomes so precious she is instinctually compelled to stand up to her father and risk her life to protect it. With newfound freedom of thought, Kambili begins to develop as an individual and to make decisions about what’s best for her.
After Palm Sunday, Kambili grapples with the internal paradox of both loving her father and wishing to be free of him. As his health wanes and he grows weaker, Kambili still tries to appease Papa, but she also nurtures the development that blossomed on her first trip to Nsukka. Her secret longing to remain away from him forever is a signifier of her emerging understanding that his love is ultimately stifling and unhealthy. Papa’s physical weakness creates space for Kambili’s continued development as she learns to feel angry and to fantasize about a different life in which she follows her own desires. When Papa dies, Kambili’s wishes to please her father as she mourns show that she is somewhat still under his spell, even in death. Her desire to dream about him indicates a fear-based resistance to the change she has longed for and must convince herself that she actually deserves. As time passes, however, the freedom and safety of Papa’s absence allows Kambili to envision a hopeful future in which she can quietly honor her father’s best intentions while embracing the unadulterated love around her.
