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I reached for my glass and stared at the juice, watery yellow, like urine. I poured all of it down my throat, in one gulp. I didn’t know what else to do. This had never happened before in my entire life, never.
In this moment from Part 1, Breaking Gods, Kambili describes her panic as Jaja leaves the table before Eugene has said the after-meal prayers. This first section of the novel, which temporally takes place after Part 2, demonstrates the depth of Kambili’s fear not only of her father but of the consequences of changing the abusive status quo. Desperately drinking the juice is not only Kambili’s attempt to distract Eugene from Jaja’s rebellion, but it also works as an attempt to redirect the meal back to the normal routine.
I wanted to make Papa proud, to do as well as he had done. I needed him to touch the back of my neck and tell me that I was fulfilling God’s purpose. I needed him to hug me close and say that to whom much is given, much is also expected.
Here in Part 2, Speaking with Our Spirits, Kambili describes her feelings of regret after coming in second in her class instead of first. Kambili’s desire to please her father stems not only from fear of his punishments but because she loves him and wants his approval. This quotation makes it clear that Eugene’s approval is an existential matter to Kambili. Eugene’s approval translates to God’s approval. Kambili’s conflation of her father’s happiness with God’s happiness and his love with God’s love makes it all the more difficult for Kambili to express her true self.
That night, I dreamed that I was laughing, but it did not sound like my laughter, although I was not sure what my laughter sounded like. It was cackling and throaty and enthusiastic, like Aunty Ifeoma’s.
This quotation comes from Part 2, Speaking with Our Spirits, the night after Kambili and Jaja go to see the mmuo procession. Kambili notes the marked difference between her and Jaja’s behavior and that of her cousins, aunt, and grandfather. She focuses on Aunty Ifeoma's laughter not only because it takes up space, which Kambili is not allowed to do, but because laughter expresses a person’s joy. Kambili not knowing what her laugh sounds like signifies that she doesn’t really know what makes her happy. Instead, Kambili focuses on what makes her father happy.
“You don’t have to shout, Amaka,” I said, finally. “I don’t know how to do the orah leaves, but you can show me.” I did not know where the calm words had come from.
This moment from Part 2, Speaking with Our Spirits, is the first time Kambili stands up for herself against Amaka’s insecure needling. Kambili was previously unsure how to respond to Amaka’s jabs because she was used to accepting harsh judgments and believed it was her job to please people. With Aunty Ifeoma’s encouragement, Kambili requests patience from Amaka while also making it clear she’s happy to help with family chores, demanding respect while pushing back against Amaka’s judgment. Amaka’s friendly response secures this emotional growth in Kambili.
I see Papa, he reaches out to hug me, I reach out, too, but our bodies never touch before something jerks me up and I realize that I cannot control even the dreams that I have made.
This quotation comes from Part 4, A Different Silence. At the end of the novel, Kambili is true to all parts of herself, including the part that loves her father and wants his approval despite everything. The fact that she cannot manage a daydream in which she hugs her father signifies the impossibility of controlling and sorting out such a complicated mix of fear and love.
