Original Text

Modern Text

‘Nay, nay,’ quod he, ‘than have I Cristes curs!
Lat be,’ quod he, ‘it shal nat be, so theech!
Thou woldest make me kisse thyn old breech,
And swere it were a relik of a seint,
Thogh it were with thy fundement depeint!
But by the croys which that seint Eleyne fond,
490I wolde I hadde thy coillons in myn hond
In stede of relikes or of seintuarie;
Lat cutte hem of, I wol thee helpe hem carie;
Thay shul be shryned in an hogges tord.’
“Oh no,” said the Host. “Christ send me to hell first! I’ll never give you anything as long as I live. You’d call your own pants a relic and make me kiss them even though they’re soiled with crap! By the true cross that St. Helena found, I wish I could have your balls in my hands instead of your so-called relics so that I could cut them off and have them smashed into pig turd!”
This pardoner answerde nat a word;
So wrooth he was, no word ne wolde he seye.
The Pardoner didn’t say anything. He just stared at the Host because he was too angry to speak.
‘Now,’ quod our host, ‘I wol no lenger pleye
With thee, ne with noon other angry man.’
But right anon the worthy knight bigan,
Whan that he saugh that al the peple lough,
500‘Na-more of this, for it is right y-nough;
Sir pardoner, be glad and mery of chere;
And ye, sir host, that been to me so dere,
I prey yow that ye kisse the pardoner.
And pardoner, I prey thee, drawe thee neer,
And, as we diden, lat us laughe and pleye.’
Anon they kiste, and riden forth hir weye.
“Okay,” said the Host. “No more fooling around, with you or anyone else.” By this point, though, everyone was already laughing hysterically, which prompted the Knight to say, “All right, all right, that’s enough. Mr. Host, I like you a lot, so please just give the Pardoner a kiss and make up. And Mr. Pardoner, calm down and go over to our Host. Let’s put this behind us so that we can laugh and relax like we were doing earlier.” And with that, the Pardoner and the Host kissed and put the matter behind them, and we all continued on our way to Canterbury.