Romeo and Juliet

Act 2 Scene 4

Original Text	Modern Text
ROMEO Why, then is my pump well flowered.	ROMEO Well, then my pump Romeo plays along: pump= shoe and penis. pump is well decorated with flowers.
MERCUTIO 30Sure wit, follow me this jest now till thou hast worn out thy pump, that when the single sole of it is worn, the jest may remain, after the wearing solely singular.	MERCUTIO Alright my witty friend, this joke has worn out your pump. Its thin skin is all worn out. The joke is all you have left.
ROMEO O single-soled jest, solely singular for the singleness.	ROMEO This is a bad joke. It’s all silliness.
MERCUTIO Come between us, good Benvolio. My wits faints.	MERCUTIO Come break this up, Benvolio. I’m losing this duel of wits.
ROMEO Switch and spurs, switch and spurs, or I’ll cry a match.	ROMEO Keep going, keep going, or I’ll declare myself the winner.
MERCUTIO Nay, if our wits run the wild-goose chase, I am done, for thou hast more of the wild-goose in one of thy wits than, I am sure, I have in my whole five. Was I with you there for the goose?	MERCUTIO Now, if our jokes go on a wild-goose chase, I’m finished. You have more wild goose in one of your jokes than I have in five of mine. Was I even close to you in the chase for the goose?
ROMEO 35Thou wast never with me for anything when thou wast not there for the goose.	ROMEO You were never with me for anything if you weren’t there for the goose. Romeo implies that Mercutio is only good for jokes.
MERCUTIO I will bite thee by the ear for that jest.	MERCUTIO I’ll bite you on the ear for that joke.
ROMEO Nay, good goose, bite not.	ROMEO No, good goose, don’t bite me.
MERCUTIO Thy wit is a very bitter sweeting. It is a most sharp sauce.	MERCUTIO Your joke is a very bitter apple. Your humor is a spicy sauce.
ROMEO And is it not well served into a sweet goose?	ROMEO Then isn’t it just the right dish for a sweet goose?
MERCUTIO 40Oh, here’s a wit of cheveril, that stretches from an inch narrow to an ell broad!	MERCUTIO Oh, that’s a joke made out of leather that spreads itself thin, from the width of an inch to as fat as a yard.