11 Characters Who Never Asked to Be Part of This Narrative
It’s tough being a fictional character. You have to DO things, constantly, and you don’t even get a say in the way your story plays out. Rather than putting themselves back in the narrative (à la Eliza Hamilton), these characters would rather be excluded from it altogether (à la Taylor Swift), and we don’t even blame them.
Q: You are literally the only interesting person I know. Also, I skipped high school graduation so I could follow you across the country. Should we date now?
Margo Roth Spiegelman: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Othello: I feel like Iago has some good things to say.
Desdemona: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Puritans: Put this letter on your shirt so that everyone knows you had sex.
Hester Prynne: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Big Brother: *is watching*
Winston Smith: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Clytemnestra: I am so angry at my husband for senselessly killing people that I am also going to senselessly kill people.
Cassandra: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Cosette: Hey Dad. So I’m seeing this guy. Real cute. Socially awkward, but lots of potential. He just ran off to join a doomed revolution, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t die. Could you do something about that, please?
Valjean: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Hades: Did you eat the pomegranate seeds? Boy do I have a surprise for you.
Persephone: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Abigail Williams: I saw Goody Proctor with the devil!
Goody Proctor: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Poseidon: Should I kill everyone so that Odysseus returns to Ithaca a broken man? I’m feeling like I should kill everyone so that Odysseus returns to Ithaca a broken man. I’m a god, I can do that kind of thing.
Odysseus: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
The Lord of the Flies: I am the evil that exists in human nature; inescapable and present inside you all.
Simon: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
Dumbledore: I promise not to tell anyone you’re a werewolf, except maybe Snape, so that he can make the potion that stops you from eating people. But he’s definitely going to tell everyone eventually, forcing you back into the jobless poverty from whence you came, because have you met him? He’s a turd of a human being. Anyway, welcome to Hogwarts.
Remus Lupin: I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I have never asked to be a part of.
