12 Pre-Existing Conditions in Classic Literature
Depending on your insurance plan and what year it is, a “pre-existing condition” is a medical issue that might make your health insurance more expensive.
“Even in literature?” you ask, to which I say yes. Especially in literature.
The pre-existing condition: Being a Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher
Defense Against the Dark Arts teachers can be denied affordable coverage on the grounds that they are more likely to wind up dead, devoid of a soul, or the victim of a Memory Charm gone wrong.
The pre-existing condition: A tendency to die when stabbed
Whether you’re a star-crossed lover, a Roman general, or just some guy hanging out in the curtains, odds are you’re liable to die when stabbed and that’s a risk most insurance companies aren’t willing to take.
The pre-existing condition: Being in love
Being in love is considered “high-risk.” Catherine and Heathcliff were in love, and where did that get them? Dead and buried in adjoining graves is where.
The pre-existing condition: Independent thought
Feel free to question the the dystopian regime and whether we have always been at war with Eastasia; just know that whatever happens, you’ll be paying out of pocket.
The pre-existing condition: Generosity of spirit
Idiopathic generosity of spirit is the number-one cause of death in House-elves, street urchins, and little sisters.
The pre-existing condition: Being a Montague
If you are a Montague, you have a better-than-average chance of dying at the hands of a Capulet. Expect to pay higher premiums.
The pre-existing condition: Being a Capulet
If you are a Capulet, you have a better-than-average chance of dying at the hands of a Montague. Expect to pay higher premiums.
The pre-existing condition: Being friends with a Montague or a Capulet, despite the fact that you yourself are neither
If you know a Montague or a Capulet, you have a better-than-average chance of getting murdered in the middle of the public square. Your death will shift the tone of the entire production. Expect to pay higher premiums.
The pre-existing condition: Going outside when it’s raining
If there is anything in your medical history that suggests you may be prone to spending excessive amounts of time outside in the rain during the Regency era, you will be charged additional rates.
The pre-existing condition: Being blind
If you want affordable healthcare and you’re a Cyclops in Greek mythology, well, you should’ve thought about that before someone stabbed you in the eye with a stick and stole your cheese.
The pre-existing condition: Having an affair
Will likely result in you becoming so ill out of shame that you die.
The pre-existing condition: Dabbling in alchemy
Dabbling in alchemy places you in a high-risk insurance pool. See Victor Frankenstein, who had an interest in alchemy and fell ill every time something even slightly distressing happened to him. And just look how that turned out. (“Dude created an abomination of nature, pretty much everyone died including him” is how it turned out.)
