17 Weirdly Specific Things People Say in Movies All the Time (But Never in Real Life)

I’ve watched a lot of movies in my day. I don’t know how many, exactly, but definitely more than seven. 

And in those seven-plus movies, I’ve noticed that characters often utter the same recycled dialogue over and over again—which would be fine if they were saying the kinds of things people say just as frequently in real life, but they never are. Instead, they are saying the kinds of things no one has occasion to say to another person ever. 

I don’t know if it’s because coming up with dialogue is hard, or because all the dialogue in the world has already been written so why bother writing more, or because screenwriters are not actually human beings but aliens just pretending. Whatever the reason, here are some lines from movies that hardly anyone ever says, paired with the only situation in which they are acceptable.

The dialogue: “Don’t you die on me!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When your laptop battery is on 1% and you can’t find the charger.

The dialogue: “If I wanted to kill you, I’d have done it already.”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you see a spider in your apartment that you’re far too afraid to squish.

The dialogue: “Is this some kind of sick joke?”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you think someone told you a sick joke but you’re not 100% sure.

The dialogue: “Why are you doing this to me?”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When someone asks about your plans after graduation.

The dialogue: [EXCESSIVE KEYBOARD CLACKING] “I’m in.”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you remember your password on the last possible attempt.

The dialogue: “Not so fast!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When the group chat’s going off and you don’t have time to find a relevant meme.

The dialogue: “We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When your shopaholics anonymous group keeps holding its meetings at the mall.

The dialogue: “What’s the meaning of this?”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you’re trying to read anything at all by James Joyce.

The dialogue: “You just don’t get it, do you?”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When someone points and says, “There’s a spot!” but you’d have to parallel park. Between two cars. What are you, a wizard?

The dialogue: “We’re not so different, you and I.”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you get paired up with someone you hate for a project but you guys actually come together and pull off a successful PowerPoint about the Byzantine Empire.

The dialogue: “You don’t have to do this!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When it’s Thanksgiving or Christmas and a relative brings up politics.

The dialogue: “Don’t you think I know that!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you happen across an article online titled “Here’s 24 Things You Didn’t Know About [THING YOU’RE OBSESSED WITH].”

The dialogue: “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you’re trying to suss out telepaths.

The dialogue: Not on my watch!
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When someone sits on your watch.

The dialogue: “I didn’t sign up for this!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When you sign a petition one time and get emails about it forever.

The dialogue: “You’ll never get away with this!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: When someone tries to steal something really big, like an ATM or a blue whale.

The dialogue: “Stay here!”
“I’m coming with you!”
The only situation in which it’s acceptable: Never. There is never a situation where one person should accompany another instead of just waiting for them to return, preferably on a really comfortable chair with a snack in hand. It’s simply too much walking. I’m looking out for you here.