20 Ways You Definitely Should NOT Start Your Novel

Writing is hard. In fact, that last sentence alone took us 20 minutes to construct, mostly because we were questioning every choice we made. Is the word “hard” too simple? Should we have used arduous or onerous instead? Or are arduous and onerous ostentatious? Is using the term ostentatious, well, ostentatious!?!?

Existential crises aside, we acknowledge that while we have no idea how to write a successful attention-grabbing sentence, we DO know how to write a terrible one. OBSERVE:

“John wasn’t going to watch his father trim the shrubs, but then he decided that he would watch his father trim the shrubs.”

The interest of hardcore lawn fanatics may be piqued, but that’s about it. Now that we’ve proved our merit, here are 20 more sentences you should NEVER use to start your novel. Steer clear of these, and you’re 75% closer to winning a Pulitzer.

1. “I gotta buy a lot of socks this Christmas,” Chloe shouted to her dinner date after a five minute pause in conversation.

2. I didn’t begin the day expecting to take my dog to the prom; I really, truly didn’t.

3. “I’m here for only two reasons: free food and to ask out Regina,” I said as I stumbled into my neighbor Don’s big stupid funeral.

4. Win, lose, or draw, Carl Oven suspected that someone at this yarn rodeo was using unsanctioned yarn to knit their scarf.

5. 997, 998, 999, 1000; I finished licking and sealing the envelopes, but it’s now time for the fun part: stamps!

6. .backwards things done always I’ve life my All

7. “This grocery store sells an absurd amount of lettuce,” Clancy texted his second cousin Rick.

8. “What color is the sleepiest color?” Patrick Koala pondered while staring at Pine Park’s eldest oak tree.

9. Everyone who reads this book is an abysmal, abysmal, abysmal failure.

10. The sign clearly read “Do Not Enter,” so Wendy turned right around and went home.

11. “If you really don’t think I can count to a million, Glenn,” Dr. Rutherford said defensively, “then WATCH THIS!”

12. Doug LaJohnson is quite fond of bowls, but not this particular bowl.

13. I’ll save you the time: the protagonist of the story you’re about to read wins the heart of the object of his affection.

14. When Jan Pine found a real live genie in a bottle, she asked herself one important question: How can I return this amiable scamp to his rightful owner?

15. I hope you speak alien, because the rest of this book will be translated into the galactic language of gwarn-bow-4.

16. That’s right, I’m a ninja… a vocabulary ninja.

17. Silver, slate gray, medium taupe, ash gray; sorry suckers, the title of this book is quite literal.

18. John Clomp was never afforded the opportunity to go fishing with his father, so when… oh wait, never mind.

19. My rise to the exalted rank of box store manager is a very long, extremely detailed, and supremely unexciting story that will unfold in 3, 2, 1…

20. “No thank you,” Philip Ruiz said to the man in the wizard hat, “time travel is not for me.”

This post was originally published in June 2015