Books3 Comments on 13 Magical Illos of the Characters In Fantastic Beasts & Where to Find Them: The Crimes of Grindelwald
Month: November 2018
The 8 Worst Fictional Characters to Bring to Thanksgiving, RANKED
What Every Zodiac Sign Should Write About For Their College Application Essay
How to Kiss, According to Shakespeare
Kissing is pretty neat. Let’s not dive too deeply into the haunted crypt that is my love life, but suffice it to say I have kissed a person or two in my time. No one’s good at it right away; it takes practice. Learning to kiss is like learning to ride a bike. You have no clue what you’re doing, you’re nervous, your hands are sweaty, and the whole time you’re just hoping for the best while hurtling through the unknowable void.
But if there’s anyone who can teach the masses how the navigate the forbidden and inexplicable witchcraft also known as “kissing,” it’s William Shakespeare.
When you’re going in for the kiss but you panic at the last minute:
“I…kiss the tender inward of thy hand.”
—Sonnet 128
When you’re trying to resist the urge to say “thank you” after they kiss you (I mean, you’ve seen THAT episode of Gilmore Girls), but you’re not sure what else to say so instead you go with:
“What’s done, is done.”
—Macbeth, Act 3, Scene 2
When you’re having one last make-out session before you both go off to separate colleges:
“Thus with a kiss I die.”
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 5, Scene 3
When you have no idea how to flirt:
“You have witchcraft in your lips.”
—Henry V, Act 5, Scene 2
When you’re going in for a second kiss:
“Sin from thy lips? O trespass sweetly urged!
Give me my sin again.”
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene 5
When you’re telling your friend all about it later:
“I know a lady in Venice would have walked barefoot to Palestine for a touch of his nether lip.”
—Othello, Act 4, Scene 3
When you STILL have no idea how to flirt:
“O Helena, goddess, nymph, perfect, divine! To what, my love, shall I compare thine eyne? Crystal is muddy. O, how ripe in show Thy lips, those kissing cherries, tempting grow!”
—A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act 3, Scene 2
When their breath is so pungent you can practically physically see it:
“Mine eyes smell onions.”
—All’s Well that Ends Well, Act 5, Scene 3
When he’s a good kisser but he’s two months younger than you:
“He wears the rose of youth upon him.”
—Antony and Cleopatra, Act 3, Scene 13
When they’re such a good kisser that you’ve only been on one date but you’re already planning a future:
“Kiss me, Kate, we shall be married o’Sunday”
—The Taming of the Shrew, Act 2, Scene 7
When you can’t believe they’re kissing you because they’re so unbelievably hot:
“You are too hot.”
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 5
When your crush finally kisses you and it’s just, you know, it’s not great:
“What made me love thee?”
—Merry Wives of Windsor, Act 3, Scene 3
When you want to critique their tongue technique but you don’t want to completely ruin the mood:
“Love hath made thee a tame snake.”
—As You Like It, Act 4, Scene 2
When you’re doing some serious PDA and there are people around, and you can hear them judging you:
“He took the bride about the neck and kissed her lips with such a clamorous smack that at the parting all the church did echo.”
—The Taming of the Shrew, Act 3, Scene 2
When the kiss is really boring:
“You kiss by th’ book.”
—Romeo and Juliet, Act 1, Scene 5
When he asks to kiss your hand, which you find kind of weird because what is this, the eighteenth century? So you’re going to make it weirder.
“O, let me kiss that hand!”
“Let me wipe it first; it smells of mortality.”
—King Lear, Act 4, Scene 6
When Kate doesn’t want to kiss you and you can’t, for the life of you, figure out why:
“Why, there’s a wench! Come on, and kiss me, Kate.”
—The Taming of the Shrew, Act 5, Scene 2
This post was originally published in August 2016
The 7 Most Underrated Heartthrobs in Fiction
On the whole, I prefer hot people in literature over hot people in real life. Hot people in literature can never disappoint me, whereas hot people in real life disappoint me constantly.
Example: I’ll see a guy, develop an all-consuming crush on him based on nothing other than the fact that he’s tall, and immediately imagine our future together. In return, he’ll say “I think dinosaurs are a hoax” or “I’m just not a dessert person” or “Not to sound sexist, BUT” right out of the gate. Where do I go from there? Back to crushing on fictional characters is where.
(I also need to stop having crushes on people just because they’re tall. I see that now.)
There are some fictional characters that are generally agreed upon to be heartthrobs. Mr. Darcy. Gilbert Blythe. Sirius Black. Aragorn. But what about the heartthrobs that fly under the radar? What about the forgotten ones, the unsung heroes of literary canon that are not quite as in-your-face with their hotness but are, nevertheless, extremely hot? Today, let’s talk about them.
QUIZ: How Dateable Would You Be in the 16th Century?
Instead of boring you all with examples of how dateable I’m NOT, let’s focus on what’s important here: would hot people in 1579 like me and want to date me, or would they find me wanting just like everyone currently alive in the 21st century? I wonder this constantly, but now I don’t have to, and neither do you.
What You Thought These Famous Literary Quotes Meant VS. What They Actually Mean
16 Signs You Are Dating a Gryffindor
If you are in a relationship, there is a 25% chance you are dating a Gryffindor. There is a 25% chance you are dating one of the lion-hearted, and it would behoove you to know for sure because Gryffindors are… well, they’re something else, that’s for sure.
“But how will I know if I’m dating a Gryffindor?” you may ask. Don’t worry. We’ve got your back. Here’s how you know:
1. They will often text you first. Unlike most people, they have no qualms about seeming overeager.
2. They are good gift givers. You won’t have to muster up a lukewarm “Wow, thanks” as you squint at whatever it is they foisted upon you, trying to figure out what it is or why they thought you should have it. Gryffindors give amazing gifts. They see a void in your life, and they fill it.
3. They will kiss you even when you are sick. They do not yield to germs. They are whatever the opposite of a germaphobe is.
4. Gryffindors always know the correct way to interact with your parents. Some of the people you date will be uncertain; are they on a first-name basis with your mom, or should they stick with a respectful “Mrs. Fletcher”? Gryffindors know exactly where they stand with your parents at all times and will be like “Hey, Karen” as casually as if the two of them are lifelong friends, or else they will say “Thanks for having us over, Mrs. Fletcher!” without making it sound weirdly formal.
5. They are always operating at a 10, or at the very least an 8. I have never met a Gryffindor who knew how to dial it down to anything less.
6. Their idea of a fun first date is something zany, like a hike or an escape room or a cooking class.
7. They give such good and tight and warm hugs that it will make you wonder if you are secretly dying and just don’t know it yet.
8. They will not make excuses for when they have to cancel a date. They will straight-up tell you they are lying in bed, full of snot, or recently ate some bad sushi which triggered a bathroom situation that was unprecedented.
9. It will always be down to you to remember to bring stuff. They will always forget to bring a pencil, or lunch, or those concert tickets they swore up and down they wouldn’t forget.
10. Gryffindors are the patron saint of having no chill, which is why dating them in an Experience. Nay, it is an Experience And A Half. They have so many thoughts and feelings and ideas and no reasonable means of bottling them up. They will never calm down, nor should you expect them to.
11. They will always be up for trying new things. “Want to do a tarot card reading?” you might say. “You know, just to shake things up?” Of course they do! Karaoke, geocaching, horseback riding—you name it, odds are a Gryffindor will try it.
12. They love big, sweeping romantic gestures. They will likely ask you out at the top of a ferris wheel while fireworks are exploding overhead to spell out “Will you be my girlfriend/boyfriend?” exactly two years to the MINUTE after they met you for the first time.
13. They love drama. They THRIVE on it. They won’t drag you into anything, necessarily, but they secretly love celebrity feuds and have never once backed down from a debate in the comments of a Facebook post.
14. They don’t get embarrassed easily. They could commit an egregious social faux pas and still find the humor in it. For instance, if they accidentally said “You too!” to a waiter who just told them to enjoy their meal, they’d find it funny rather than deeply mortifying and borderline illegal (unlike a Ravenclaw).
15. They are very competitive, but you may not realize this until you are well into your relationship because Gryffindors are so effortlessly good at things that they seem to win almost without trying.
16. They will periodically text you things and say, “This made me think of you,” and it will be wonderfully adorable and affirming every single time.