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If Holden Caulfield Could Text

We all have opinions about Holden Caulfield. Is he just some obnoxious rich kid? Is he a lonely teenager who’s also depressed? The answer is likely closer to “actually he’s both,” but today I think we should set aside those questions in favor of what are, to my mind, the only questions that matter, and they are “What would it be like if Holden Caulfield could text? What would be his most oft-used emoji? Would it be the upside-down smiley face? Probably.”

I have been writing about fictional characters (and what it would be like if they could text) since what feels like the dawn of time. But no book has been requested more than The Catcher in the Rye, no character requested more than Holden Caulfield. I heard the call, my friends, and I answered.

The DOs and DEFINITELY DON’Ts of Text Flirting

Flirting is one among the many mysteries of the human condition. Where do you put your hands when someone whose mouth you wouldn’t mind having on your own mouth is talking to you? Where do you look? At your hands that you don’t know where to put? And how do you stop yourself from using the Gold Rush as a conversation topic? I don’t know the answers to these questions (though sitting on my hands seems to work). What I do know, however, is that all of these pretty much become non-issues when you flirt via SMS.* Also, the Constitution isn’t -that- boring of a topic, GUYS WITH WHOM I’VE ATTEMPTED TO FLIRT.

Before I disclose to you all the information I have about text flirting, allow me to get real for a sec: We are currently at rock bottom in the grand scheme of flirting throughout history. As a collective of flirters both amateur and skilled, we’ve lowered our standards from months and months of formal courtship + curtsies, all the way down to sending an eggplant emoji in the vague hopes that its recipient isn’t totally creeped out. Is flirting through the ~cloud~ really where we are right now? Yes, dear readers, but it’s time we accept this abysmal excuse for white-gloved hand kissing and thank evolution for opposable thumbs that function on tiny keyboards.

Click through this slideshow to internalize what you should do, but mostly should NOT do, when you’re texting a Seriously Attractive Human (I’m talkin’ attractive on the inside, of course. Physical attractiveness can help, but a sturdy pair of lungs and functioning heart valves are all you can really ask for amiright? And a good sense of humor, I guess).

*Can I bring this acronym back?

What Three Books Were You OBSESSED WITH as a Child?

There is a Tweet making the rounds and generating a lot of discussion on Book Twitter. I myself have texted it to four people, and I’m planning on bringing it up later this month at Thanksgiving dinner to steer the conversation away from such divisive topics as 1) American politics and 2) how to correctly pronounce “pecan.” (We have this discussion once a year, and it always threatens to tear my family apart.)

Anyway, here is the Tweet.

Mine would have to be Harry Potter, The Phantom Tollbooth, and Dear America: Voyage on the Great Titanic, which I’m pretty sure messed me WAY up before I ever even saw Leonardo DiCaprio let Kate Winslet have the whole of that really big door.

You may think a person couldn’t possibly be summed up in three books. But I’m here to tell you that I like magic and puns and I am scared of the ocean, and that is pretty much my entire personality.

(Sidebar: does anyone else remember those Dear America books as vividly as I do? After I barreled through the one about plucky thirteen-year-old Hattie on the Oregon Trail, I spent much of my childhood being needlessly terrified of eating anything unfamiliar. You know, in case it was hemlock.)

So now, I put it to you: which three books from your childhood define YOU as a person? Relatedly, which ones terrified you to your core? That wasn’t part of the original prompt, but I’m curious.

How to Tell if Someone Has a Crush on You, According to Shakespeare

There are lots of articles on the Internet explaining how best to tell when someone has a crush on you. I know this because I have read all of those articles. I am not a particularly discerning person; if you are not saying “I desire you romantically” straight to my face, then I will never intuit this fact on my own. And so I peruse the Internet, trawling for tips and tricks, desperate as I am to know when people wouldn’t mind making out with me. 

Little did I know, all the information I needed was right under my nose this whole time. There’s much we can learn from Shakespeare, including how to write entire plays in blank verse, how NOT to get revenge on your uncle, and (of course) how to tell when someone likes you in a romantic sort of way.

Here’s how you know:

They make eye contact with you. This is usually followed by them pledging their life to you and then killing your cousin, but not always.

Watch their body language. Do they lean forward when you speak? Do they absentmindedly touch their lips? Do they throw themselves over your lifeless body, weeping inconsolably, when they believe you to be dead?

They make excuses to talk to you. For instance, they might ask you for homework help, or they might join a club that you are also part of, or they might murder your husband and father. That way they can strike up a conversation with you at the funeral.

They write you love letters. They may later deny that they ever did any such thing and denounce you as a harlot, but eventually they will remember how much they love you. They will also murder your father.

They do little things for you. Some will buy you inexpensive (but meaningful!) gifts when you’re having a bad day. Others will text you things that made them think of you. Still others will forsake the Roman Republic and eventually fall upon their sword once word of your suicide reaches their camp.

They tease you. Nothing says “I am attracted to you” quite like questioning your manhood because you’re too much of a coward to murder the king of Scotland.

They’re extremely polite to your parents. A person who has a crush on you will usually strive to make a good impression on your mom and dad. There are many ways to do this, but by far the most common is to answer your father’s riddle correctly on the first try, thereby winning the honor of your hand in marriage.

They openly flirt with you. In front of their mother and half the royal court in the middle of a performance, no less.

They listen as you tell them about your dreams. Particularly the one you keep having where they get murdered by all their friends on the 15th of March on the Senate floor.

They follow your lead. Whether you’re looking for seats at the movie theater or simply running away to the woodlands to escape persecution under Athenian law, they will stick with you wherever you go.

They match you wit for wit. Do the two of you often engage in clever banter, always striving to have the last word? Excellent. Then they probably like you, and will duel your enemy in the town square for calling into question the virtue of your innocent cousin.