22 Real Things I Said Over the Weekend Because of Pokemon GO

Some day my grandkids will ask me about Pokemon GO, the augmented reality game that changed the course of our nation’s history, and I will tell them about the time I spent nearly twenty minutes in a Taco Bell parking lot fighting a Pidgey. Pokemon GO came out last week, and if you’re anything like me, then you’ve been playing it nonstop for four days to the detriment of your relationships with others and your general well-being.

Also if you’re like me, niche phrases weaseled their way into your vocabulary almost overnight, and you’ve found yourself letting slip verbiage like:

1. “Dad, pull the car over; there’s a Charmander.”

2. “Let’s eat at the Olive Garden. There’s a PokeStop with a Lure Module nearby.”

3. “Not to be dramatic or anything but if you’re not on Team Valor then you can get out of my face.”

4. “I can’t wait to finally be able to tell my doctor I exercise.”

5. “I know it’s 3 AM but there’s a Snorlax down the street. This is what it’s all been about.”

6. “I’ve spent real, actual money on Pokeballs. You think I’m proud of this? You think this is what I wanted? There was a Dratini in the neighbor’s pond, Mom. What was I supposed to have done?”

7. “Maybe we should go for a hike. Where would we even go to do that?”

8. “This is the most immersive gaming experience I’ve ever had in my life because once again I’m spending all my free time running around trying to catch Pokemon and avoiding eye contact with other trainers.”

9. “My parents think I’m a loser but I caught two Rhyhorns and a Gastly, so who’s the loser now?”

10. “I would say we shouldn’t be sitting here at this beach just playing Pokemon but virtually everyone around us is also playing Pokemon.”

11. “Slow the car down, I’m trying to hatch an egg here.”

12. “I just heard your phone buzz. Was it a text or a Pokemon?”

13. “Oh so it was actually a text about Pokemon.”

14. “I can’t help it if I own upwards of nine un-evolved Eevees. They’re cute and they’re objectively the best Pokemon and I like them just the way they are, so nuts to your rigid society-mandated standards of conformity.”

15. “I think this is the first real sunburn I’ve gotten since 2011.”

16. “Do you think this total stranger will be alarmed that I’m pointing my cameraphone directly at them? I need to catch this Clefairy.”

17. “Some punk beat my gym over at the Burger King so now we have to stop there on the way home.”

18. “I wasted about twelve Pokeballs trying to catch my first Zubat before I knew better than to catch one of those bountiful winged demons.”

19. “Regardless, I still have Zubats for days because I live in a rural Midwestern hellscape.”

20. “Not trying to crash your party or anything but has anyone here seen a Growlithe? Game says it’s only one step away.”

21. “I was hanging out the window trying to get within range of a PokeStop, and that’s when I realized Pokemon GO is a portent of doom and this is how I’m going to die.”

22. “My iPhone’s battery deserved so much better.”