5 Times Hamlet Was the Emo Crush of Your Dreams
O Hamlet—the tortured, emo boyfriend I never had but always dreamed of. He’s the original unavailable brainiac. If Hamlet had slumped against my locker and mumbled any one of these five ~deep~ thoughts, I would have followed him anywhere. Well, at least to the White Hen to get some Kombucha. Hamlet would have loved Kombucha.
1.
“Doubt thou the stars are fire;
Doubt that the sun doth move;
Doubt truth to be a liar;
But never doubt I love.” (Act II, Scene II)
I mean, who wouldn’t melt on the spot if your crush said this to you—wearing tights?
2.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” (Act II, Scene II)
It’s all about perspective, people. Get off your moral high horse and see the (highly subjective) light. I shudder to think of the Spinoza rabbit-hole this one would have sent me down.
3.
“Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t.” (Act II, Scene II)
A method to my madness, anyone? This highlights Hamlet’s super sexy confidence. Yeah, he’s nuts, but he knows he nuts. Hamlet: he might incorrectly mansplain iambic pentameter at you till your ears bleed, but the courage of his convictions—and the fact that he’s totally pulling off that hint of eyeliner—means that you still really want to make out with him.
4.
“Conscience doth make cowards of us all.” (Act III, Scene I)
Ok, now we’re kind of veering into Hamlet’s dark side. This is what he’ll say to you just before he convinces you to drive your car onto the football field to do donuts. He’ll probably say it’s some kind of protest, but a protest of what, Hamlet?? Grass??
5.
“O, that this too too sullied flesh would melt,
Thaw and resolve itself into a dew,
Or that the Everlasting had not fixed
His canon ‘gainst self-slaughter! O God, God,
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!” (Scene I, Act II)
This is the hotness trifecta of resignation, futility, and hopelessness. These lines in particular show Hamlet’s flair for really good adjectives: sullied, weary, stale, flat, AND unprofitable. But wait! The world sucks, yet he still calls out to God? He’s got some reckoning to do, for sure. My prediction? If he makes it to college, he’ll get seriously into social causes (after a brief stint as a nihilist philosophy major) and realize that cynical slouching isn’t nearly as attractive as meaningful contribution.
O Hamlet! I forgive you for being the kind of guy who would have declined to take me to the prom because you were against the very concept of proms, but who would have ended up showing up at the after-party wrapped around a girl in a statement hat. In fact, I forgive us both.
