9 Essential Road-Trip Lessons We Learned From Lord of the Rings

The weather is warm, gas is cheap, and mankind’s fall is imminent—what better time for a road trip?

Before you head out on the lonesome road, though, take in these crucial lessons honed by Frodo et al. on the eternal highway to Mordor.

Choose your fellow road trippers wisely.

You know that friend of yours who’s always asking if he can have your last french fry and then when you say no he’s all, “LOL just kidding I just wanted to see what you’d say”? Don’t bring him. You’ll regret it.

Coordinate, but don’t match.

You don’t want to be wearing literally the exact same thing as all your fellow road trippers, but a single statement piece — like, say, matching cloaks held in place by a super-sweet Elvin brooch? Yeah, that’ll look real spiffy.

If a member of your party wants to take a side trip to visit his great-uncle’s place, don’t just stop by without calling first, no matter how awesome he says it is.

In addition to being polite, you’ll save yourselves the trouble of finding out the hard way that great-uncle and all his friends are dead and a giant balrog is squatting in his vacation home.

Be very discerning about who you allow to borrow your jewelry.

Not everyone is worthy to wear that one ring. Or earring. Or ankle bracelet.

…But don’t be a diva about it, either.

If you have to tote the solid gold root of all evil to the fires of Mount Doom, take turns, for crying out loud.

Don’t pick up hitchhikers.

Especially ones with luminous eyes and fishbreath who talk about themselves in first-personal plural.

Don’t chat up any talking trees unless you’ve got a lot of extra time to spare.

It takes a verrrrrry looooong timeeeeee to say aaaaaaanything in ooooooold Entishhhhh.

If you see a large spiderweb, GTFO.

Where there are large spiderwebs, there are also large spiders. It is known.

A little on-the-road drama is to be expected.

You know how it is: Your childhood bestie is a Wood Elf for Hillary, but your college roommate is a Dwarf Bernie Bro, and you’re not even halfway to Mordor before they’re sniping at each other. But trust: They’ll work it out, and by the time you get where you’re going, they’ll be ready to die for each other. (Or they’ll politely ignore each other. Either way, not your problem!)

Are you heading out on the open road this summer? Any vital tips to share?