Harry Potter and the Cursed Child addressed a few of our lingering questions while leaving others still unanswered, like “WHERE IS TEDDY LUPIN” and “WHO TEACHES SEX ED AT HOGWARTS. SERIOUSLY, SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.” But perhaps the most egregious oversight was the fact that we still don’t know how the wizarding world feels about reality television. Come on, wizards. Wake up and smell the cultural zeitgeist. We are all watching trashy TV. You’re no better than we are.
Here are a few ideas for programs guaranteed to keep audiences on the edge of their broomsticks:
Say Yes to the Robes
A team led by Madam Malkin helps young witches and wizards prepare for the big day… their first day at Hogwarts, that is. Watch the drama unfold as our stylists juggle a tight budget, personal issues, and more than a few overbearing family members.
Extreme Makeover, Cupboard-Under-the-Stairs Edition
Yes, the living space is cramped, but the style doesn’t have to be. No witch or wizard will be left living in a boring closet filled with spiders after this show’s crew of expert decorators has had their say!
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Year?
You’d think learning defensive magic would be priority #1 in a world where an evil wizard is constantly trying to murder everyone. But you’d be surprised how many adult wizards don’t know how to do a simple Shield Charm—even those who work for the Ministry! In this exciting new game show, contestants are given a chance to duel a member of Dumbledore’s Army in front of a live studio audience to prove that they have greater Defense Against the Dark Arts skills than a teenager.
Is the family pet snapping at the mailman with venomous fangs and freezing the neighborhood children in their tracks with its steely glare? I’ll bet that’s getting annoying. Call in the Basilisk Whisperer, a Parseltongue specialist who will have your unruly monster obeying your every command in no time at all!
Molly and Arthur Plus 7
What’s it like raising seven children? Follow the Weasley family’s adventures—from the gnome-laden gardens of the Burrow to the cursed tombs of Egypt—to find out!
The Wizarding World’s Got Talent
Have you invented a new potion that makes everything taste like cheese? Do you cast a mean Bat-Bogey Hex? Is your Animagus form a dinosaur? Show it off in front of a live studio audience!
Wizards raised by Muggle families enter the wizarding world for the first time in this acclaimed Breaking Amish spin-off. Over the course of the season, they’ll face the wonders and woes of friendship, romance, and a rising dictator seeking domination over all magic and non-magic peoples. Coming this fall to TLC.
Keeping Up with the Krums
This show follows Viktor Krum and his family as he navigates the trials and triumphs of being an internationally recognized Quidditch player—and a full-time student.
Hosted by GIlderoy Lockhart, each episode pits two wizarding families against each other in a battle for cash and prizes. The pilot episode features the Weasley family vs. the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. You’ll never guess who wins the flying car in Fast Money!