25 Gift Ideas for People You Hate

It’s the season of giving, but the reality of the situation is that some people are deeply annoying and don’t deserve a new iPhone so much as they deserve twenty pounds of actual garbage. Most unfortunately, you can’t really give someone twenty pounds of garbage (not with that attitude, anyway), but here are twenty-five things you can gift them instead:

1. A jigsaw puzzle with one piece missing

2. Jeans that are two sizes too small

3. Dental floss

4. The gift of friendship

5. A two-dollar gift card to Chipotle (just enough for chips, not enough for chips with guac)

6. A coupon for ten free high-fives

7. A coupon for immortality

8. A 2016 calendar

9. Your best impression of Jeff Goldblum

10. A box full of farts

11. A coloring book that’s already colored in

12. Anti-aging wrinkle cream as a subtle reminder that death is coming

13. Battery-operated socks

14. Math flashcards

15. Anything you have to take care of, like a goldfish or a plant, because then not only are you giving them a bad present but you are also foisting an obligation on their unsuspecting person

16. A Christmas sweater you made yourself (and by “made” of course I mean “just stuck googly eyes to”)

17. Stamps

18. Winter boots, but like really terrible winter boots (think knock-off Uggs) so that their socks will be perpetually wet

19. A toilet seat

20. A card that barfs out glitter and confetti

21. A homemade board game where all the game pieces are just chewed-up wads of gum stuck to nickels

22. A stapler with no staples

23. An abacus

24. A mixtape that’s just “What’s New Pussycat” eleven times broken up by a single “It’s Not Unusual”

25. Twenty pounds of garbage. Just do it. Who cares?

What’s the worst present you’ve ever received?